Australia 1x04: Addo, South Africa

Previously on Holy Macau!: Last week's episode, the recap of which came in at EXACTLY ten thousand words on my word processor's counter (because I'm just that lazy), and which was therefore completely and utterly perfect. Also: Ten teams flew from Vietnam to Hong Kong, then spent the night doing things normal Chinese people do like breaking clay tiles and eating fortune cookies and trying to figure out which order the animals actually go in in the damn Chinese zodiac. Between ambiguously not-entirely-heterosexual farmer Tom using the word "buggery" in a sentence, and him helping his One Twoo Wuv in the Road Block, and the three most enjoyable teams all having fun in a casino together, and the hilarious appropriateness of some of the fortune cookie messages, and Jenius being absent from half the episode (but now with some very visible scabs or scars or whatever they are), and the fact that even with the bad tasks it was still better than any other China-based episode in years, it was like a recapper's wet dream. But then came the realisation that Jenius was sticking around while Giggle and Cackle weren't. Nine teams remain chomping at the bit. Who will gag on it... TONIGHT?

Credits. Wow, Luke looks like the Terminator. Which begs the question: Should the punchline here be [COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO BOMP.] or [BOMP WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO COME.]?

Commercials. It's coincidental how completely unarousing ads for erectile dysfunction treatments are, right?

A crapload of stock footage of casino lights welcome us back to Macau, as Grant explains that Macau has "become the gambling capital of Asia". He does the same basic explanation of the A Ma Cultural Village as he did last week for the Hue Citadel, but it doesn't really matter since we're not starting this week's leg there anyway. They don't even really hide it, giving us a nice stock shot of the St. Paul's cathedral ruins before FBA depart at 9:52am. They learn that they'll have to fly to Port Elizabeth, South Africa. Sweet! It's been far too long since the race has gone to South Africa, and looking back at all the legs the race has ever spent in Africa, there's been excellent leg after excellent leg, with the only real exception being one in Mozambique. And even then, the only real issue with that leg is a horribly lopsided Detour. (I am excluding the four legs the race has spent on islands in the Indian Ocean, since all of them have been remarkably underwhelming despite great scenery.) So, anyway, this is going to be awesome. More stock footage tells us that there are animals and buildings and such in Africa, as Grant explains that they'll have to search the airport carpark for a marked four-wheel drive containing the next clue. Not too hard, since they're all lined up in a row next to each other. In their cab, Jenius tells us she hopes she'll "get to do something with, like, animals or a safari". I think that can be arranged.

At the airport, where the graphics confirm once again that Macau is governed by the Chinese, FBA rant some more about how everybody sees them as "a very competitive couple" and "a big threat" because they're "in this game to win". As opposed to how all the other teams are here to limp their way around a couple of countries before collapsing in a heap? The Amazing Red Ribbon then speeds halfway around the world to show FBA's path from Macau to Bangkok to Johannesburg.

Melana and the surfers both leave at 1:00pm. Oddly, all three teams so far have been shown leaving from different points in front of the landmark, which makes me think they actually did start at the Pit Stop, heading to the ruins as the first destination of the leg, and the entire first stage has just been cut out of the show. I mean, I can kind of understand it if Melana and the surfers are in slightly different positions given they're starting at the exact same time and all, but there's no reason for FBA to have been halfway down the stairs to read their clue. Alana explains in a confessional that their only real plan for doing well in the race is to beat FBA. Mel tells us she thinks it'd be "amazing" if they could somehow manage to suck less than all of the other teams for a leg. Just one, she's not greedy. They and the surfers yell between their cabs to take a ferry to Hong Kong and try to get a flight there, seeing as it's a bigger airport and all. I kind of love how it seems they're not forcing teams to use a specific airport on this version of the race. They did it when teams left Lombok for Vietnam as well, and I think it adds in an extra layer of strategy to the race that isn't there usually. Even in the past when we've had extreme airline chaos, teams are usually forced to travel through a certain city's airport on their way out of the country (most notably, travelling from Cancun to Mexico City to leave the country despite Cancun having better connections to get them to London, the next destination). There's only five exceptions I can think of, and four of them happened during season finales -- including two in the SAME finale. (If you're playing along? Alaska to San Francisco in season two, Salzburg or Munich to Paris and later Hawaii to Phoenix in season four, and Barcelona to Paris then Paris to New York in season ten.)

Grommet could not be less enthusiastic as he confessionals about how he thinks their race is going. Still, at least he accurately notes that he and Wallace are a genuine threat. Unlike certain incompetent nitwits. Both of these two teams take the first ferry back to Hong Kong.

At 1:31pm, Dave & Kelly head off all excited, while the farmers are much more businesslike as they leave with their $216 three minutes later. As Dave talks to a cab driver in extremely slow English (because speaking slower makes words you don't know easier to understand, apparently), Kelly explains that because they've been married for so long, their arguments no longer have any meaning. Free Kelly! She believes their pointless arguing is helping them in the race because they can concentrate on... well, I'm not sure her argument makes any sense, really. Wait, scratch that. I'm absolutely sure her argument makes no sense whatsoever. Dave whines about how the race is "getting bloody harder" as it stretches on. Let the record show that Dave thinks getting pelted in the face with rice is easier than sitting down in a casino and making what are essentially 50-50 decisions about freaking PLAYING CARDS. Somehow, Dave & Kelly manage to get onto a ferry before the farmers even get a taxi, Matt wishing Macau a hearty "Toodles!" and bringing the total number of heterosexual men to ever use that word on television to... one. Unless. Tom explains that travelling hard and fast isn't exactly his style (mmmmmmm), and the Fiddles Of Being A Country Bumpkin play... well, surprisingly quickly, given the context. Shut up, fiddles. They briefly forget where they are. As you do.

At the airport in Hong Kong, the surfers and Melana arrive and check the departure screens. Mel voices over that there's a flight to Port Elizabeth departing at 11:35pm, but since we're, you know, about to be shown the teams travelling with a connection, I very much doubt the flight between Johannesburg and Port Elizabeth is listed on a departure screen IN HONG KONG. They head to a counter and book tickets to South Africa (though notably not to Port Elizabeth), learning that the departure board was lying anyway and it's departing at 11:45pm. Well, that's helpful, the displayed timetable having precisely zero relevance to what's actually happening. It's like the task is "navigate the Melbourne train network".

This week's Departure Montage kicks off at 1:36pm with Jeff & Luke, then continues with Asshole & Bambi a minute later, and the Lucys a minute after that.

During the week, it was pointed out that Jeff & Luke have been edited as "the world's most vomitorious Hallmark card". And you know what? As much as I love them (or... one of them), I can't disagree with this assessment. Plus I was looking for a team nickname for them anyway, so they're now officially collectively known as Hallmark. As they snark at the complete randomness of being told to go to South Africa today, Jeff tells us that he's now approaching the race as Luke's "running mate" instead of as his father. I wish it was a surprise Jeff was shirking his role as a parent.

Meanwhile, Asshole and Bambi are laughing in their cab about South Africa. As they board the third ferry back to Hong Kong, Asshole tells us he thinks they've done far better at controlling their anger than they usually do at home. Cue flashback. But since I've already suffered through recapping The Argument That Continuity Forgot once before, I'm not about to do it again. I kind of wonder whether they're deliberately playing up this dysfunction for the cameras. Surely there would have been another argument by now if they were really so incompatible. Asshole continues by stating that they quite often have differing opinions, and Bambi butts in to say that they "have to go with the most logical, which is usually [hers]". After a perfect pregnant pause, Asshole's response is a simple "Um.", which is totally what I would do if I had either of these two telling me their actions are perfectly logical. I mean, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt in an argument that was edited out of order and out of context and still couldn't really do it. I mean, they both seem likable and relatable (unlike many Assholes Of Races Past), and they definitely do seem to enjoy each other most of the time (again), but they make it so hard to actually hope they do well, you know?

Ferry Terminal. Some random douche tries to pretend he doesn't see the Lucys and their gigantic backpacks. Right, dude. Sam tells us she thinks they're working so well together because Renae is a tomboy and she isn't. Sure helped them at the end of the last leg. Meanwhile, Renae believes that she's stronger but Sam is smarter. Wow, anonymous competence is boring. Anyway, all the teams who weren't already headed to Hong Kong now are, on Ferry #4.

Except for Momos, who are leaving the Pit Stop at 6:31pm, over eight-and-a-half hours after FBA. Mo explains that their goal for this leg, rather than to win it or something else that's unlikely, is just to get to the Pit Stop without having to face a penalty of any form. So... last ferry, unsurprisingly. And just to add insult to injury (or injury to insult, really), Mos gets seasick on the boat over. With plentiful retching noises and me looking away to avoid having to recap it, they manage to get to Hong Kong. Mo confessionals to explain that they were trying to figure out how sick they have to be to quit the race. Let me put it this way, guys: We've had asthma attacks. We've had someone collapse from dehydration. We've had people needing treatment for altitude sickness. We've had a 66-year-old woman cut her face open on jagged rocks, and her husband soldier on in spite of a broken foot later in the race. And none of them have quit the race. Quit being soft.

With Mo taking Mos's bag, they head off for the airport, where they are shocked to learn that, due to a shocking lack of direct flights between Hong Kong and a comparatively small city in southern Africa, everyone except for FBA will instead be flying to Johannesburg together. From Johannesburg, they'll take the same flight to Port Elizabeth as everyone else is on. Go, go, Gadget Amazing Red Ribbon!

We cut to the teams walking off the plane in Port Elizabeth, and running to the cars in a big bunch. The clue says, "Drive youselves to the Valley of Desolation." You know what makes me want to go somewhere? The fact that being unable to find help if you get lost (which I totally would) has been worked into the place's NAME. On the other hand, it would be nice to lose some of these teams on what Grant informs us is a 300 kilometre drive north of town to the Camdeboo National Park. And to make it even more fun, they'll have to search a sheer cliff-face for the next clue. Let's hope... never mind what I hope. Weirdly, we get the first four teams reading the clue in a montage before Grant's voiceover, and we get the last four teams reading the clue in a montage after Grant's voiceover, but Asshole & Bambi aren't shown at all. But they'll probably show it somewhere in Scandinavia or Latin America or something and expect me not to notice, so it doesn't really matter.

Dave notices it's a manual, and Kelly points out that "the girls" are going to struggle. Melana are indeed struggling to get it out of first gear. And their car, too. Alana explains that she tried to drive, but the results were less satisfying than finding out your jam donut has instead been filled with chocolate sauce. Weak chocolate sauce. Chocolate yoghurt. (By the way? Thanks, Krispy Kreme!) As Momos get directions, and learn of the ridiculous drive ahead, Alana struggles so much she decides to switch with Mel. Mel tells us in a confessional that they knew a manual car was probably going to be forced on them at some point during the race, so "Alana had a million lessons", while Mel figured she'd be able to pick it up easily and only had two. Somehow, Mel seems to be doing better (by which I mean "at least the scenery out of the window is changing"), but she still needs Alana to reach in from the back seat to change her gear for her. Isn't that kind of illegal? And if it's not illegal, shouldn't it be kind of impossible with the need for seatbelts and all? As she struggles with it and Mel yells at her because she's not sure what gear the car's in, Alana leans back into her seat and points out that it's kind of hard to be a literal backseat driver.

Suddenly, we're at the Point of Desolation as a bunch of teams finish the world's quickest three-hour tour (three-hour tour), but for the third week out of four Wallace and Grommet are the first team to actually read the Detour clue. Hopefully, they know by now that it's a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. This time, the choices are named Smash and Bash, because we've already had one called Cash and we're saving Stash and Pash Rash for the inevitable Detour in Amsterdam's red-light district. (Disclaimer: The Netherlands has been confirmed as a destination by the commercials, but no details of what happened there are known. Kind of like most trips to Amsterdam.) If you pick Smash, you choose a throwing station and a corresponding target, then take turns throwing a knopkierie to smash four pots and urns of various sizes that are hanging from ropes in a field. You don't have to knock them all off the ropes, but you do have make it impossible for the locals to reuse the pots for gardening and such. (Wikipedia tells me knopkieries -- which have multiple recognised spellings -- are much longer and often also used as walking sticks, but we'll go with it because it's at least less irritating a cultural stereotype than many things that could have been done in a country famous for its former racist policies.) If you pick Bash, you choose a building station and use the provided tools and materials to properly build a giraffe feeder that's sturdy enough to impress a park ranger, with only a finished feeder for reference. The feeders look simple enough to be both one of the easier construction challenges they've had -- past ones have included wooden cranes, bamboo rafts, Amish water wheels, Swiss army bikes, motorcycles, and an Ikea desk -- and yet still complex enough to be difficult, while also keeping it at about the same difficulty as Smash, so... very nice. And they test different skills, so it actually is a Detour instead of that shitty choice we had last week. Yay!

By the way? Smash = Hare; Bash = Tortoise. Simple enough.

As Wallace and Grommet leave for Smash, Wallace notes that both tasks are taking place at the Kragga Kamma Game Park back in Port Elizabeth, so that's a completely random and nonsensical 600 kilometre drive just to retrieve a clue. Heh. That's actually kind of brilliant, much as it looks stupid. It's an easy way to make the teams more fatigued, it requires actual navigational ability instead of something like a bottomless gorge of a stomach, it makes the race feel more epic than the "take a taxi half a mile" feel the recent US seasons have had, and it provided some stunning scenery. I approve for now, but let's not have one of them every week, okay?

We get two montages of batches of teams selecting their Detours, so to sum it up: Wallace and Grommet, FBA, Dave & Kelly, Momos, the farmers, and Hallmark all pick Smash, while the remaining three aren't shown choosing.

As Alana notices the next phase of their Great African Road Trip, we cut to FBA. Bitchard exposits that everybody was neck-and-neck, as though the last two clue readings only being in montage form weren't enough of a giveaway. His car cuts into the pretty small gap between Asshole & Bambi's car and the one in front of them, and even Bambi tells Asshole to "beep him". So you know it's serious. Asshole explains that had he not used his brakes, they would have crashed. And having two of the three most irritating teams get killed in a high-speed car crash would be a downright shaaaaame. In a confessional, Bitchard explains that "it was a friendly drive". Only in that it confirmed I'd rather be friends with someone I've nicknamed Asshole than with you twats. Asshole makes his way in front of FBA, wondering aloud how Bitchard would "like to be driven like a donkey" and saying something (conveniently not-subtitled) in Greek. FBA honks their Horn Of Irony as Asshole manages to get in front of them, as Asshole continues his rant thusly: "Does he even have a licence, that guy? Honestly? He should let his wife drive, mate. She's got his balls anyway." Oh, dear. Damn it, Asshole, don't make me side with FBA. I mean, I know the only teams who've actually shown an issue with FBA at this point have been you guys, Melana, and Dave & Kelly, none of whom is coming across as particularly that pleasant, but. When the annoying antisocial twats in fugly matching self-helpy outfits are the lesser of two evils, you've got to wonder just how unpalatable you are.

Perhaps due in part to all the reckless driving going on, Asshole & Bambi are the first to actually reach the Detour park, having driven six hundred kilometres in about three minutes and seven seconds. A homely-looking woman comes out to their car to explain that the "PARK CLOSED" sign means the park is... you know, closed for the night. What a helpful lady. FBA are the only other team shown arriving, and they vow to return early in the morning so they can be first in line. Hee hee hee, I'm laughing already.

Accompanied by some wonderful, wonderful Soweto Gospel Choir-esque music, the sun rises the next morning in what is the Travel Porn equivalent of a cumshot (you're welcome) as elephants and hippopotamuses (hippopotami?) frolic and a springbok licks itself. Oh, look. Travel Porn foreplay.

The teams are all lined up in their cars as the "electrical fence" is opened barehanded by a guy in safari gear. Safest job ever! As the teams travel along a marked path in a convoy, zebras watch on and shake their adorable heads in disbelief. Have I mentioned how much I love zebras? They're much cooler than monkeys. And about eighty-one per cent less likely to fling their poo in your face at the zoo. Then again, the last zebra I saw at the zoo came up to the glass wall at the edge of the enclosure and tried to lick me, so maybe I got an exceptionally tame one. Or maybe I have an exceptional ability to walk with the animals, talk with the animals, run and sing and squawk with the animals.

In the front of the pack, FBA can see a mudpit coming up. Oh, foreshadowing, how much do I love thee? Let me count the... nope, just one way. Hallmark explains that they know from experience that "the first vehicle" is always the one that gets stuck. A giraffe stands watch over the mudpit as the teams arrive, and Asshole confirms that "that is true mud". I'm so glad we could save the money on scientific testing. With everyone else behind them and honking, FBA explain, "We were in first, the pressure's on, we just didn't... think". But why think when you can believe? Aaaaand stuck.

Commercials. Why is typecasting only good when it happens to Johnny Depp?

We get to relive only the last second or so of FBA getting stuck in their car, but supplement it with a camerashot from the other side of the mudpit showing them driving in and promptly sinking the front of their car in the mud with a visible splash. Nice. They're stuck so badly they can't back up, causing Matt to give Cackle a run for her money. As Alana points out, "Nobody likes Richard and Joey, let's be honest." Ouch. I mean, the savageness of that comment was matched only by its utter appropriateness, but still. Melana realise they shouldn't be laughing, lest they invite karma in for a cup of coffee and a piping-hot smackdown fresh from the oven, but don't particularly care at this point. As precisely nobody bothers to even fake an attempt to help FBA paddle their way back down shit creek, Bitchard starts digging the loose dirt away from their car's grill while Jenius just sort of stands there and complains.

The Lucys explain that "they fully got bogged", and because of it "Chris tried to be a bit of a hero" and pass them while they were struggling. Of course, rather than go around the freaking mudpuddle, he decides to try a different path straight through it, and also gets bogged. Matt apparently can't believe that city folk don't have as much experience driving through mud as he does. Gasp! Next you'll be telling me city people cook with the weird plants those hippies next door grow. Bambi proposes getting out of their car to make it lighter, which would be great if not for one thing: You won't be in the car and thus can't drive it across the mudpit. Grommet redefines laughing hysterically, while the other teams just watch on silently dreading their turn to sink. As FBA seems to have thought, "Great. We're stuck in a hole. How d... I KNOW! WE'LL DIG OUR WAY OUT!", Chris tries reversing in the background and manages to move about two feet, if that. Meanwhile, Grommet decides even he's had enough, and moves a stack of tree branches that are on the side of the mudpit so he can get across. They at least manage to get right into the deep part of the puddle before getting stuck. Oh, dear. But luckily he realised that it was going to be much easier if he "changed it into low", and they manage to successfully get out. So, naturally, the others all follow. Except FBA, because they're still focusing on trying to dig their way back to China. Even Melana manage to get through in about ten seconds, despite not knowing how to drive their car.

FBA continue digging, now back where they're most comfortable: last place.

The lead teams have arrived at the Detour, where there are half a dozen local women in regular clothes chanting and just as many men in loincloth-y shorts working to retrieve the thrown knopkieries. Yes, really. Classy, show. (Still, it leaves me with just one thing to say: Haba haba.)

We learn for the first time that Asshole and Bambi are playing to their strengths and picking Bash. (Not like that; Asshole's "a civil engineer" outside of the race and is therefore used to bossing people around. And building too, presumably.) He notices fairly quickly that the nails provided "aren't that strong", which means Bambi has to try not to pull or push too hard as she holds the poles in place while he nails. At the next workstation over, Alana seems to finally have found something she can do, and takes charge. Hooray! Of course, she directs Mel to do all the "hard labour" and hammer the nails in while she holds the pole. Because doing actual work would require... you know, work, and we can't have that now, can we?

Asshole has decided that, while Bambi is currently stretched out like a G-rated version of a picture from the Kama Sutra to hold three poles up, he will instead nail the fourth. Well, obviously. It seems to me that the best approach for this part would be to build the whole thing on its side, and then pick it up and move it into position at the end, kind of like a bookshelf. Then that way the person who's holding the logs in place will only have to hold one or maybe two poles at a time instead of turning all Vitruvian Man to try and keep all four steady. After a brief confessional in which they both marvel over her flexibility, it seems Asshole has safely secured one of the three poles Bambi was previously stretched out trying to keep in the air. Rather stupidly, he's done it to the one right in the middle, which means she's still spreading her legs instead of helping. Which begs the question: Why? I mean, aside from his probable ironic belief that women and tools aren't a good mix.

As Smash, there is throwing, and people (by which I mean "only Luke") are getting close enough to hit the support struts. Because this is funny in other cultures or something, two local guys (who look old enough to not be "local boys", but not old enough to be "local men", kind of like Josh Thomas) laugh like it's the most hilarious thing EVER. Just you wait, guys. The farmers are nowhere close, but Grommet manages to knock a pot clean off the rope, causing Wallace to jump in the air, touching his toes like he indulged his bi-curiosity in a threesome with Luke and Tom at the last Pit Stop. Speaking of the latter, he also smashes a pot, while Momos are having no luck. I mean, I could finish this quicker than them, even given that (1) the race is over, (2) I am not in South Africa, (3) I would have picked Bash, (4) I am a pacifist, and (5) I am so klutzy I would trip over while throwing and shatter my kneecap with the thingy. Without "Lightning and Thunder" helping them, they switch to Bash, as do Hallmark after a couple more bad throws. Perhaps with Wallace and Tom both there, Luke was getting a bit distracted.

As Hallmark leave for Bash, Tom smashes his and Matt's last urn, and they get the clue. It's a Road Block, delivered without any warning. This time, they've been given the highly-descriptive hint "Who wants to take the plunge?" to help decide who will be the One Team Member performing the task: The world's highest bungy jump, 216 metres from the Bloukrans Bridge near Port Elizabeth. And yes, "bungy" is the correct spelling. No J's, no E's. I'm not a huge fan of the Road Block being a first-come-first-served task, but at least there's a chance for the order to change as they drive over (which it would anyway, but still) and at least it's not another task the same as the last two Road Blocks. The farmers also note that there's a U-Turn ahead. I'm going to skip over Wallace and Grommet also finishing to get to the bit where Grant explains that the U-Turn is an idea executed far too poorly for the potential it actually has. Except not in so many words, obviously.

If you're new to the show, or if you understandably tune out the moment it gets mentioned, a U-Turn turns up at the end of a Detour and allows a team to force someone behind them to go back to finish whichever task they thought was horrible enough to not bother with the first time. You can only use it once, but since there's only ever been two at most during the race it's not much of a loss. This is a plain U-Turn with no other lame gimmicks designed to make the bad design less obvious, so you still have to put up a little picture of yourself so the team you pick knows who to blame, only one team can use it this time, and you still cannot make a team finish the sucky task wearing sock puppets. While it's probably not a good idea to have it right before a task where the order can't change between starting the bungy jump and finishing it, it's definitely one of the best Detours they've matched the Detour with, in terms of allowing the team affected by it to survive. A lot of the problem, I think, is that the producers of the various versions have tended to pick crappy legs to put U-Turns on -- legs where one Detour is obviously much slower than the other (crawling thirty metres and back or translating a Morse code message in the middle of a full-scale World War I re-enactment), legs where both tasks are the same basic skill (Israel's version had a U-Turn with the exact same Dance/Stance Detour we had last week; the Asian version had one where the choice was pretty much "do a slightly smaller bungy jump separately" or "do a slightly higher bungy jump in tandem"), or legs where there's no logical way for a U-Turned team to catch up (the Asian and American version have both had it as the very last thing in a leg) are all horrible places to put a U-Turn. It really shouldn't be too hard to get right. Put the U-Turn on a leg where the Detour is the first major task, put it on a leg where the tasks aren't designed to take hours, put it on legs where the tasks test different skills, and make sure there's a decent amount of travel time in the rest of the leg, and you're all set. Here, they've managed to do all four of these -- I'd estimate the tasks as taking about twenty minutes to half an hour, which is really the perfect amount of time for tasks in this situation -- so, basically, if the U-Turn is ever going to work this is the time. (By the way, this is the first time teams have driven themselves to the U-Turn, and also the first time the previous clue hasn't just directed them to the U-Turn itself, with another clue in a separate cluebox just behind it. I know, totally important.)

So the farmers get to the U-Turn first, causing Wallace and Grommet to have as much of a freak out as two stoners can have without actually coming down, but they choose not to make any enemies and instead allow Wallace and Grommet to do everyone else a favour by U-Turning FBA and in turn saving all the other teams their little U-Turn sticker for later. The oddest thing, of course, is that even though they're doing is just because FBA are "not really [their] cup of tea", it's the perfect strategical move in this situation -- when the ultimate goal of the leg amounts to little more than "don't come in last", you should try and delay the team currently in last place rather than the one right behind you, because the further someone else falls behind you the more you can afford to waste a few minutes here and there. If these two were forced to U-Turn by the farmers, they'd probably be in the middle of the pack for the leg and the only real change to the end result was that Wallace & Grommet would get pissed and vow a revenge that would never actually happen. But if you U-Turn a team that's at the very back of the pack, then the extra time would almost be enough to guarantee they'll find it hard to get out of last. And if this leg isn't a non-elimination...

We splitscreen back to the mudpit, where FBA are STILL trying to get their car out. With the mud "getting slushier and slushier", and Jenius calling it "disgusting", we're probably supposed to care. Yeah, not happening.

Commercials. Ways This Show Could Be Worse: "Make your way to the next Pit Stop, the Rooty Hill RSL."

Bitchard confessionals about how they "never gave up", thinking, "eventually, something has to give". Unfortunately for their own highly-inflated egos, it takes the form of another car randomly driving past and hauling them out. Well, of course. You can't believe your way out of a mud puddle. (One wonders why they didn't try to Crush It.) Nevertheless, the show's former Previously On... music, dubbed the Horns of Perseverence by some sections of the Amazing Race fandom, plays inappropriately as a couple of giraffes watch them try again. They get across, but not without making so much noise even Maria Sharapova would have told them to stop screaming. Off to the Detour, shall we?

We shall. Asshole and Bambi are almost done, and Hallmark are getting there. Luke tells us he and his father both have experience in carpentry -- and a quick check of the presskit reveals "Luke grew up in Melbourne and now runs his own landscaping business on the Gold Coast". Firstly, we're totally claiming him as one of our own, so suck it, Adelaide. Secondly, if they both have experience in the wise and noble art of "hammer hit nail here", WHY DIDN'T THEY PICK IT TO START WITH? I love 'em, but that's kind of a stupid decision to pick the task not based around your actual freaking occupations. They get the clue, but their little foray into weapons training means they're in fourth place behind Asshole & Bambi. Asshole and Jeff both take the task.

Dave and Kelly notice that even the giraffes have heard of their general incompetence with the knopkieries and have "come for a stickybeak". For whatever reason, Kelly does not make any shown attempt to throw, but Dave eventually gets their final pot. And takes the Road Block. Seriously, what does Kelly actually do? Besides... no, not even really just sitting there and looking pretty. You know that joke about how to tell if You Might Just Be A Redneck? Well, if you have pink streaks in your hair, wear leopard-print shawls and have an angry husband with a loud beard, You Might Just Be A Bogan. (Dear Americans: To work out what a bogan is, take one part Big Brother, one part Celebrity Rehab, two parts Real Housewives, and seventeen parts Jersey Shore, and mix them all up in a meth lab.)

Back over at Bash, the Trombones Of Isn't This Funny? Isn't It? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NOT REALLY?! play as Momos begin to build, and realise the poles aren't going to stand up on their own yet. As they decide to work together on one part of the feeder, the other part they've already stood up falls over and nearly bonks them on the head. Twice. Meanwhile, the Lucys literally get less than fifteen seconds to show that not only did they pick Bash, they did it competently. And that time also includes a confessional in which they snigger about their proficiency with tools. Oh, make your own joke. They clearly did. It really is unusual that a team they built so much out of in the first episode has been so invisible since then, especially when they're a Token Hot Girl Team and the biggest drawcard of the first episode has been eliminated. Renae forces Sam to take the task.

FBA have apparently switched to Bash at some point (hee), and Bitchard is focusing so much he manages to splice open part of his thumb. With the blunt end of the hammer. When his hand really isn't that close to the nail he's halfway through inserting. But more importantly, it sounds like his role as an "entrepreneur" isn't as a fluffer but as an audio mixer. Nobody else could possibly enjoy moaning that much.

Circus music accompanies Dave & Kelly to the U-Turn, where he takes childish glee in celebrating what happened. Apparently the reactions of Asshole, Bambi, and Hallmark weren't interesting enough to be shown. Although even an "Oh, they got U-Turned? Huh." would have been hilarious in its own way.

Two giraffes practice headbutting each other's backsides in time with some classical music. As you would expect, this is a sign we're about to cut to Melana. We learn that at least they've picked the task based on what they know - Alana's hubby is a "building designer" (which I think is a fancy way of saying "architect" in a world where people have become too dumb to pronounce "architect"), while their father was a builder. See, they need to spend more time with Hallmark. For one, it might give the latter an ounce of non-Hallmark personality. Watching those two is kind of like being in that vehicle that passes right by a car crash in progress without trying to do anything. You know, like Canada or Mexico.

On the other hand, watching FBA is kind of like being IN the car that crashed, with a piece of crumpled metal embedded so far in your thigh you're hoping you can still get into the afterlife if you have someone drag you into the light. So I'm just going to ignore their little spat about Jenius being "so perfectionist sometimes" [sic] [naturally], and cut right to the bit where they get the clue and Bitchard takes the Road Block. So... they get the clue and Bitchard takes the Road Block. Bitchard tells us he figured, "Everybody's doing their own race. Who are we going to get U-Turned by?" Well, that depends. Who got there first? As they drive up and realise that this time it was Wallace and Grommet, they randomly invade the cluebox attached to the sign that stores all the big team pics (teams have to take the little ones themselves, and can't U-Turn if they've lost it), just in case there's a nice handwritten letter of apology or something in there. Jenius confessionals that she figured it was because they were "such a threat" that a U-Turn was necessary when they were already in "number ninth position". Yeah, she's such a perfectionist. Did she forget they left Momos and Melana at the Detour? Or that nobody in their right minds would see a team whose only decent finish came because of a stupid combination of a needle-in-a-haystack task and a Fast Forward? Then again, if they WERE in their right minds they wouldn't have travelled back to Kyoto circa 1612 just to get a haircut. They decide that the surfers are "fake", and while I can't dispute that they don't seem to be putting themselves forward as much as Mel or Dave or even the one-note farmers, I still feel like I need to make a remark about how they're totally the Pot right now. Bitchard then decides that the surfers were "smart" for realising that they "want to win this game". Because everyone else? Totally taking the scenic route to the World Tiddly-Winks Championship.

The scenic route, as demonstrated by Wallace and Grommet themselves, seems to consist mostly of freeways. They hear a police siren coming up behind them, and wonder what they've done wrong, but quickly realise the cops are instead chasing the farmers. Matt seems to be confused by the fact that a horse or a tractor could make such a shrill noise, and pulls over. Still in denial about their speed, the situation has become so serious Tom has taken his hat off. No! You can leave your hat on! Or at least wait until the surfers are in eyesight before you show everybody what Real Hair looks like!

Commercials. Shamwow or Snuggie? Death is not an option.

The farmers get pulled over AGAIN, because they're just that unlucky. So, basically, it's just a "slow the fuck down" warning from the cop, meaning that once again The Commercials Have No Meaning. And just to make it worse, we get another Accent Impersonation, but since this one's at least close to a South African accent, I'm going to let it slide. For now. The cop tells them, "Enjoy your wonderful stay", so I suspect either the local police were informed about the race coming through and told to keep an eye out, or he just took a look at the camera and figured out what was happening. Whichever it is? Still cool.

Melana are done with the Detour, now leapfrogging FBA to be in seventh place. They both realise the task is a bungy, which I suspect would be harder had the hint not been used for a bungy Road Block in the past, and Mel immediately takes it. Again.

FBA are struggling to Smash their pots, but manage to get one. Meanwhile, Melana drive past the U-Turn in the rain and celebrate it without getting out. Alana explains that they "did not feel sorry". Oh, well.

The surfers and Asshole & Bambi arrive first and second at the bridge, and suit up. Wallace explains that, walking out to the bungy itself, the bridge below was as seethrough as a Kim Duthie apology. He calls Grommet "a terrible teammate" for making him do this task he had no idea about before they both discovered what it was, and it's right about here that I realise Wallace looks like Tom Williams if the shot is tight enough to cut out the Ewfro. (I wonder if any of the camera guys pointed out the resemblance to Grant.) He sort of freezes up, basically making the two guys at the bridge push him a little bit. The editors cut all sound except Grommet's minor gasp from on top of the bridge and some random wind noises, because that is totally relevant when the person in question isn't deaf. Returning to the platform, Wallace explains that he felt like his eyes were about to pop out of his head. Well, that's why most people just raise their eyebrows instead. Clue! They completely butcher the name of the place they're going, which the graphics tell us is called Nomathamsanqa. Grant explains that it's a small village with a goat pen at one end and a sangoma at the other end, and that teams will have to "deliver" a goat -- not drag, deliver -- to the sangoma to get the clue. Unfortunately, whoever writes his copy decides that a sangoma is the same thing as a witch doctor, having not checked the "Sangoma" Wikipedia entry and therefore having not seen that one of their major roles is "counteracting witches". It seems they're more like a combination of a fortune teller, a counselor, and a herbal chemist than an actual witch doctor. Just, you know, for future reference.

Back at the Detour, Bitchard yells out "little pansy boys", which is offensive on its own but even worse when the local guys aren't even two metres away after returning the latest batch of knopkieries. He smashes their third pot, leaving them with just one left, but Jenius misses. In other news, Momos are done. Mos takes it.

Bungy. Chris screams on his way down, and confessionals that he can now confirm he is indeed alive. Good to know. For someone, I'm sure. Tom gives Matt his Akubra, because bungy jumping in a cowboy hat would just look stupid and attention-grabbing, and doesn't even wait for the guys on the bridge to finish the countdown before he leaps off. He's totally like a German chicken. (Why did the German chicken cross the road? Because it was the most efficient way of getting to the other side.) On his way down, he gives his wrist-mounted camera either a thumbs-up of a finger-gun with his free hand, but the sun glare makes it impossible to tell. Upon his return, he comments on how jumping off a bridge is "not standard mustering procedure, no".

Asshole and Bambi get directions telling them to head to the Addo Elephant Park, while Tom remembers seeing it on a map at some point and chooses to go it alone. While Bambi points out that the clue says to go to Nomathamsanqa, not Addo, Asshole decides to show off his mad Afrikaans skillz and explain that "Addo" means suburb. (It totally doesn't, by the way.) In a team confessional, Asshole explains that he's "doing [his] best as I can to take her opinion seriously" and that they need to try harder to work as a team, while Bambi appears to be falling asleep. Back in their car, he yells at her some more and she tells him to do whatever he wants. Oh, great. This is turning into A Streetcar Named Desire.

Although, to be honest, taking a trip down to the Sodom and Gomorrah on the Mississipp' would be infinitely preferable to spending much more time with FBA. They whine about how the last one wouldn't fall, right before Jenius finally smashes it. They take off without reading their clue, and I do believe that's our first Blunt Metaphor Alert of the season! Woop woop woop!

The surfers and the farmers arrive in Nomathamsanqa, parking at the Masizakhe Community Hall. After the scriptwriters decide Wallace needs to repeat the task details again, as well as Nomathamsanqa being kind of a long name, Grommet decides they need to grab "the chilledest" goat. Awww, I'm sorry, all our goat is fresh today. As they leave with a goat, a second tries to escape and is promptly caught by the farmers. Heh. Grommet tells Wallace to spank his goat and "grab his horn", neither of which are actually euphemisms (thank God), then compares it to "dragging a freaking train". Meanwhile, Tom tells us "the village was a bit of an eye-opener", what with its little streets and red dirt. Both of which are completely out of place in Outback Queensland, apparently.

It's clearly time for another Hallmark Moment, so let's cut back to the Bungy. Luke tells us Jeff was his Superman growing up, and "could do everything". Now with added flying! He continues, explaining that he tries to set the same example for his son. Jeff returns and calls it "the best thing [he's] ever done", before amending it to claim that Luke himself was the best thing he's ever done. Bleh. I hope those cards come in scratch-n-sniff, though.

Melana notice they've fallen behind Momos. Mel takes the chance to blame Alana for getting them lost, even though... they're... on the right track? I'm not sure I see her point, to be honest. Is it that they get behind Momos? They weren't too far ahead to begin with, and the thing about roads is they allow more than one way to go places, though. Shut up, Mel.

Dave is freaking out at the bungy jump while the guy tries to explain to him how not to choke himself on the cord wrapped around his ankles or something. He explains that he had a career in the army but managed to avoid jumping out of perfectly good helicopters. I smell some Foreshadowing. Mmm, turkey. He jumps, of course, blaming "Holy God" for how ridiculous it is. Well, of course. Blame the invisible guy who may not even really exist.

Asshole and Bambi grab their goat, despite her being scared and him using the provided rope as a lasso to grab it by its horns. Wallace and Grommet are also leading their goat by its horns, and get to the sangoma first. She rubs something (which looks like zinc cream but probably isn't) onto their cheeks like war paint, then gives them the clue, which sends them to the Pit Stop at the Addo Elephant National Park. Grant explains that the 500 elephants living in the park have lovingly left a plateau free for the day so Grant and the greeter can stand around without fear of being crushed in a stampede. Thanks, elephants! Also, the last team to rock up "WILL be eliminated". I wonder who it could be? As the surfers leave the sangoma's little area through a gate, it looks like they're only going to be let in one at a time, since the farmers are waiting. They also get the clue and go, passing by a struggling Asshole and Bambi. This causes Asshole to yell like he wouldn't have found an excuse anyway.

Sam enjoys her bungy jump, while Mel threatens to throw Alana from the bridge after her jump if she gets them "lost" again.

The farmers have arrived at the Pit Stop, and Matt wonders aloud if there are going to be elephants. Congratulations, you've learned to read. Noticing the surfers are behind them, he tells them to "line up". So there's the standard dick-measuring contest between the two teams, the only real winner in which is Tom, before they pull up to the little clearing where Grant is waiting. For some stupid reason, both teams decide to waste time grabbing their bags out of the backs of their vehicles instead of, you know, RUNNING TO THE MAT. Off this brief moment of stupidity...

Commercials. I'm waiting for the one that actually comes out and says, "Shit happens. Buy Huggies." or something along those lines. Still wouldn't buy them, but it's about time there was some truth in advertising.

We return to the footrace, where... well, I freeze-framed it and still couldn't get a clear idea of who won. Matt was first and Wallace was second, but Tom and Grommet appear to hit the mat at the exact same time, before both falling over. In any event, the greeter welcomes everyone to Port Elizabeth, and Grant decides that the farmers are Team Number One while the surfers are Team Number Two. The surfers complain that the dash was too short a distance for them to catch up, and perhaps they should have raced harder instead of complaining. It's drawing the attention away from the $5000 Kathmandu shopping spree the farmers have just won, which is possibly one of the best thought-out prizes in the show's history. I mean, the last thing anyone wants after spending a month away from a reasonable source of income is to be given a holiday, and the usual Wacky Vehicles serve no purpose, so it's nice to see something that both acknowledges that the contestants are the type of people to enjoy adventure, whilst also acknowledging that they need to be at work often enough to avoid losing their jobs. Brilliant decision. Matt explains that winning makes him happy...

...And if you can't tell that's a sign we're cutting to FBA, you need to spend more time watching reality shows. While Bitchard prepares, Mos jumps. Aaaaahhhhh!

Hallmark are at the goat pens, and Luke grabs one. While a lamb bleats to the camera as they walk in the background, Asshole is almost at the end struggling to haul his goat. He explains, "ten metres from the end, I was actually that tired I couldn't pull. The goat was stronger than me." If only he had someone with him who could help him finish the task. They get their zinc cream and clue, taking the time to briefly dance with the locals before heading back to their car. Bambi explains that the locals were so welcoming it was ridiculous.

Bitchard jumps, screaming before he even steps off. Wimp. While waiting for him to be brought back up to the bridge, Jenius explains that "if anyone can come from behind", it'll be them. Suuuure it will. Leaving, Bitchard confessionals that they "bungy'd as fast as [they] could, we ran as fast as we could out of there, and we drove as fast as we could". Screw speed limits and gravity, FBA want to catch up!

Hallmark have learned their goat is pregnant instead of just plain lazy and stubborn, and so decide to carry it instead of dragging it. Because it's totally fine to DRAG a GOAT across a VILLAGE when it's not pregnant. They drop it off and receive the clue. Get well soon, goat! They run back to their car with a horde of famewhory kids celebrating their second appearance on The Amazing Race (Nomathamsanqa also appeared in Israel's version), and Jeff decides to remark that "it was just an incredible connection with this country" to be able to run down a road with a kid with no shoes on. Good Lord, if this gets any sappier the Canadians will be harvesting it for syrup.

The Lucys are struggling, as are Dave and Kelly. But since they're not in danger of being booted, unable to win the leg, and not prone to become a walking advertisement for Hallmark, it doesn't really matter.

Momos have realised FBA are following them, while FBA are just happy to have made up some time. Mo explains in a confessional that FBA are the only team who haven't bothered to help them, while Mos in the back seat of the vehicle claims that "nice guys do finish last". But not yet, hopefully.

Asshole & Bambi arrive at the entrance to the Pit Stop and have a park ranger tell them to stay inside their vehicles at all times. I can't wait to see them driving over the Pit Stop mat to be safe. They and Hallmark both notice elephants on the roadside, but the tortoise Hallmark also see is enough to allow Asshole & Bambi to pass them. And the fact that they were already behind, I suppose. Asshole & Bambi, you're Team Number Three; Hallmark, you're Team Number Four.

The Lucys arrive at the sangoma with their goat, getting the clue at about the same time as Melana arrive. Alana shows she's grown some balls on the race by grabbing the goat's and telling him she'll pull him the whole way if she needs to. Dave & Kelly get the clue, walking back to their car as Melana continue their little individual drag race. They notice that "there's another car", and both Momos and FBA pull up at the same time. Wow, tense! While these two catch their goats, with Momos apparently having less trouble (and not deciding to switch to a second goat after they actually manage to get one), we are treated to what sounds like some completely irrelevant Russian opera music in the background. Bitchard tries to explain that "it wasn't a bad idea, it was a very good idea to change the goats because our goat wasn't moving, so you might have good luck and find a goat that does want to move." Or, you could just, you know, ignore the fact that goats have legs and try to carry it instead. Just a suggestion. As Hallmark proved, the task is "Get A Goat From A To B, Where A = The Pen and B = The Not-A-Witch-Doctor Witch Doctor", and there's no restriction that says you need to drag it. I can understand why a team like Melana is doing it this way, but there's no reason for a team that's supposedly as strong as FBA to be doing it.

Melana, in fact, now have locals telling them to pull the goat's tail to make it move. Do the RSPCA know about this task? Mel bitches via confessional that while she was getting her hands into position to do so, one of her fingers accidentally managed to check the goat for prostate cancer. (Disclaimer: I am assuming goat prostates are in roughly the same position. Don't email me just to tell me it's in their left wrist or something.) As she complains about how a hotel-sized soap bar isn't enough to wash the smell away, she picks exactly the right moment to (clearly deliberately) wave her hand right under pool Alana's nose.

The Lucys squee over the elephants. Welcome, girls, you're Team Number Five! Dave & Kelly then walk up hand-in-hand to finish sixth, which they deem "not too shabby".

Melana arrive at the sangoma exhausted, but still manage to upsize their ritual to include a hug. No, sangoma lady, she has Poo Hands! They leave passing the final two teams, telling Momos exactly how to get their goat to move while just barely wishing FBA "good luck" through gritted teeth. Heh. Momos explain that "there was something" that helped give them "the magic touch" with the goat. (And before someone points out their skin colour? Asshole has darker skin than either Mo or Mos, even though it's a fake tan.)

Jenius moans about how their new goat isn't moving at all, and tells Bitchard not to hurt her little protege. It's a Jenny goat! Bitchard tries to justify his animal abuse by theorising that goats don't have feelings. Not surprisingly, their goat continues to not move. Hey, it's a Double Blunt Metaphor Alert! FBA are going nowhere fast, and the editors don't want you to go anywhere!

Commercials. Which I would tell you about, but... spoilers, spoilers.

The goat eventually realises that the quicker it gets to the sangoma, the quicker it gets rid of Bitchard yelling at it, and begins running once it knows FBA are all but guaranteed last place. Hooray for smart goats!

Melana are seventh, Alana deeming it a miracle even though they've known for pretty much the last half of the leg that they were in seventh -- the bungy had teams pulling numbers, they probably figured nobody could have passed them on the way to the village, they had no position change at the goats, and passed two teams behind them on their way back to the car. So, you know, not really as much of a surprise as the editors probably want us to think.

The Violins Of Tension kick in as Momos and FBA get their clue. Run, boys, run! In their cars, Momos focus on trying to get to where they're going, while FBA complain about their goat some more. "Disheartening", indeed. My favourite piece of music in this show's arsenal attacks our eardrums for the Close-Ups And Crane Shots Of Intrigue, which this week proceed as follows: Car! Greeter Grant! Car! Mos! Bitchard! Mo! Jenius! Greeter Grant! Still standing there!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... Momos! FUCK YES. Team Number Eight! Hugs all around. Grant feels the need to confirm that not finishing in last still means they get to stay around for at least another week. But more importantly, FBA don't. They arrive and are summarily eliminated, continuing the odd curse that seems to be happening with the head shaving Fast Forward. The first team to shave their heads (on the American version) won the race. The second (on Brazil's version) got eliminated the very next week. The third (on Israel's version) won the race. The fourth (on the Latin American version) won the leg and a non-elimination the week after but crashed and burned to become the next team eliminated. The fifth (on The Amazing Race Asia) won the race. And now FBA have continued the pattern by going from first to worst in the space of one leg. Well, first to last. Because I'm pretty sure they were already covering the worst part.

Bitchard compares the race to a "rollercoaster", which I suppose makes them that one at the Royal Melbourne Show that breaks down with monotonous regularity every year, while Jenius was "hoping it was a nom-elimination [sic]" so she could actually bitch about Wallace and Grommet to their faces. Well, there go our chances of finally having a team who understands that the U-Turn is a perfectly valid part of the game, even if nobody watching or competing actually likes it. Yet again. It does beg the question, though: Why isn't it ever on a non-elimination leg? Especially considering how often the Yield was on non-eliminations (four times in season five due to the race structure having one on every leg until the final elimination, on the first half of the To-Be-Continued leg in season seven, and on non-eliminations with four teams remaining in seasons six, eight, nine, ten, and eleven before being replaced with the U-Turn in season twelve), it seems stupid that they haven't had even one on a non-elimination since its introduction. Surely it would be infinitely preferable to turning whichever episode it appears on into an inevitable Less-Than-Amazing Death March.

Their final thought is about how they're strong and how they'll one day be able to tell their grandkids they were the team nobody liked on a reality show that, let's be honest, is not going to be remembered in fifty years time when their grandkids are old enough to care. I mean, just take a look at the local television industry. I'd normally suggest that it's a dog eat dog world and the weakest links get shafted, but man oh man, Australia has consistently proven itself to be an unworthy challenger to the gladiators of the international la... I was going somewhere with this, I swear. Me at 4:14am and bad concetration? A perfect match, it seems, and I can't even pass the buck. Goodbye.

Next week: The stuff that happened a couple of days ago as I'm writing this, which you probably already know about.

Australia 1x03: Macau, China

Previously on Tomb Service (alternate title: Miss Sai-Gone To Hue): Last week. Also: The eleven teams got out of Lombok, flying to Vietnam. While FBA were still causing grief in human relations, Dave and Kelly also seemed to be turning the race into a turf war on a global scale. Even after hearing both sides of the tale, Muscles turned out to be a real Asshole. After surprisingly boring tasks involving fans and mechanics, the teams spent the Detour either dealing with placid cocks or going where the buffalo roam (or both), before heading to the Road Block. It involved gathering seven objects from a maze-like structure, but unfortunately nobody grabbed the bonus one that would have won them Game Boy Pockets and copies of Donkey Kong Land 2. Wallace and Grommet did at least win Grand Final tickets, so... almost as good. On the other hand, Frakus was unable to unscramble the Conundrum, and he and Liberty were eliminated. (You may make your own joke about someone named Liberty being booted first as an obvious sign this isn't a show made by Americans.) Now, ten teams remain chasing the little toy rabbit. Who will headbutt the rail... TONIGHT?

Credits. Remember, Asshole carrying Bambi around in the credits is not related to his in-race stress at all. [HE WANTS YOU TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT, BOMPI.]

Commercials. Wait. The President of Cyprus was in Australia and I wasn't informed? Fuck you, non-SBS mainstream media.

We open with one of those shots that basically look like the camera guy is training for the Limbo World Championships (Motto: "Montego Bay or Bust!"), before tilting down to show Grant walking across the pavilion that was serving as the Pit Stop last week. After an extremely rushed intro (probably because we've lost half an hour of the show this week, for which my still-recovering fingers thank the deities of their choice) in which he explains that it's World Heritage listed, we cut straight into the action with Wallace and Grommet being the first to depart, at the convenient time of 11:07pm. I'm sure they'll be able to keep their lead throughout this leg, aren't you? The clue tells them to fly to Hong Kong, which like Bali is totally one of those locations you know Seven forced the race to visit on the grounds of incorrectly-perceived exotica. Grant informs us that, upon landing, they'll have to take a taxi to the docks at Aberdeen Marina, then ride a ferry to the Jumbo Floating Restaurant, which (believe it or not) I've mocked before in a past recap. There, each team has a table with "over a thousand fortune cookies" stacked in such a way as to make me wonder how health inspectors weren't called in. They'll have to bite into the cookies one at a time, reading the fortunes aloud as they go, until they find the one that says "Your fortune has delivered luck. You may now collect your clue." (Aren't 'fortune' and 'luck' synonymous, though?) They'll then have to show the little slip of paper to the waiter for him to lift the magic cloche and reveal said clue. Right about now, the Masterchef producers are kicking themselves for not using this as a challenge when they had the chance.

Oh, wait. NO, THEY'RE NOT. Fortune cookies? Seriously? This isn't 1977, show.

Anyway, they get in a cab as we hear a Grommet confessional in which he explains that, basically, they're street smart instead of book smart. Which makes sense, because when was the last time you heard about Paris Hilton sucking off a forensic anthropologist? At the airport, and accompanied by yet another airplane departure screen that is neither timely nor relevant, they ask for tickets.

At 11:14pm, the farmers depart. As in the very first drive, the editors make sure to include a shot of one of their hats (time time Tom's) falling off as they enter their taxi. Matt tells us he thinks they've "done pretty good [sic] for people who've never travelled before". I don't know. He's travelled farther than I have in my life (at least he's left the Australian mainland -- the farthest I've gone is a little town just outside of Newcastle), but I'm pretty confident I could have also survived the grand total of one eliminations that has taken place thus far. Matt wonders whether Hong Kong is "in China", which... technically no, but still closer than certain other teams are going to get (SPOILER!). They once again discuss how somewhere like Birdsville is closer to their speed than Hue, and Matt claims he could "even handle Melbourne after this". It's so tempting to offer him my spare room, on the proviso that Tom also comes.

A minute later, Asshole and Bambi leave. We return to their pre-race "we're here to test our relationship" interview some more, because we just haven't had enough of it yet, and WHATEVER. In the airport, we get a shot of them both wearing those skier jackets that make them look like the Michelin Man. In Vietnam? With a horde of exclusively white people in the background? In the middle of the night? In an airport that isn't a major hub? When they were just shown in matching yellow tank tops? I don't think so, guys. Is "clearly out-of-place footage" going to be their running theme? I sure hope not.

At 11:49pm and 11:50pm respectively, Jeff & Luke and the Lucys set off. Luke gives us a standard The Race Has Brought Us Closer Together speech, while the Lucys give us another excerpt from their pre-race Blondes Aren't Punchlines interview... right before one asks the other (though it should be noted that neither of their pairs of lips actually seems to be moving) if Hong Kong is in Singapore. Oy.

11:56pm. Dave & Kelly, who vow to be sly and trick people into thinking they're nice. It's totally working for me. Six minutes later, Mo & Mos (hereafter collectively known as Momos, because calling them the Mos was getting really, REALLY frustrating to write around for the sake of clarity) leave, and promptly have their apparently ample bosomage groped by every woman in sight while waiting for their taxi to arrive. Thank heavens they don't have to wait long, because that was quite awkward to watch. Remember how I asked for equal opportunity titillation in a past recap? Equal opportunity Indian-train-style groping wasn't what I meant. Sigh. Unless it's my hands and either Tom or Luke.

12:11am. Giggle and Cackle. They explain that the game is serious and they have to do whatever it takes, but that their ability to continue to giggle and cackle in even the most inopportune situations is helping them. We learn that Cackle was even laughing in her sleep, which caused Giggle to wake up. Of course, they laugh about it.

Showing us Momos weren't ever in any actual danger by leaving at 1:05am are FBA, followed at 1:06am by Melana. Not surprisingly, Jenius feels the need to warm up her "accent" before she even leaves Hue. She tells us in a confessional that their goal is to continue to rise in the standings. Well, they certainly couldn't fall much further. As Alana explains that FBA "fully dogged" them by breaking the World's Stupidest Deal in the previous leg and hopes they get a karmic smackdown this week, we get another set of airport shots showing both of these teams in cold weather gear. (It also gives us our first shot of an Amazing Cameraman of the season, so it's inclusion is twice as baffling.) Jenius speechifies again about how they'll do whatever it takes to stay. Yawn.

Grant informs us that all ten teams are on the same flight to Hong Kong. The Amazing Red Line makes an exaggerated curve as if to say "Hey, look! The earth really isn't flat!" (As an aside? I love that they gave us everybody's departure times, even though they were all immediately bunched together. It really doesn't add anything to the show to have one or two teams depart, note that everyone will end up on the same plane or train or whatever, then cut straight to the next location. Even if they were to include the departures as a quick montage, like they did with a batch of teams last week, it's far preferable to having no way of telling how well teams actually did in comparison to each other.)

Cool Chinese-inspired music leads us through the standard stock footage montage as we arrive in Hong Kong, which apparently contains boats and people and... awww, ding-dings! I remember them! They were fun! Horrible task from an all-round dreadful episode, but they were fun! (More importantly: NOT THE JAPANESE GAME SHOW MUSIC! HAPPY DANCE!) As seen on a security monitor (heh), the teams run out of the airport and head for cabs. Almost everyone appears to have no issue getting a taxi to take them, but the Lucys think "it's shocking" that "like, the taxis, they just don't speak any, like, good English". Yeah, funny that. It's so hard to find a taxi that would pass its Year 12 English exam sometimes. Also included in the montage: Giggle and Cackle talking about how much they suck some more; Momos marvelling at the possibility of actually being in the lead; the farmers amazement at buildings being more than a couple of storeys tall. We get a confessional from Tom in which he says "We're from way out buggery in the centre of Australia", and... you know. Sometimes the jokes don't even need to be written. Still, though? I'll believe it when I see it. (You may choose whether the appropriate emoticon for this situation is the suggestive ;) wink, the suggestive :P tongue-poke, or the suggestive :O "look at how deep my throat is!" open-mouth. Hmmm. I do believe I'm beginning to sense a theme.)

FBA's cab appears to be taking them the wrong way. Based on what we see later in the episode (or more specifically, what we DON'T see), it looks like he's taking them directly to the restaurant instead of the ferry. Oh, I'm so sad for them too.

The first team at the dock is Jeff & Luke, while Wallace & Grommet and Momos follow briefly after. They're joined by Kelly and Dave, who limps to the terminal after cramping up while getting out of the cab, and the Lucys. As said Lucys try to help him relieve the pain on the ferry, Kelly tells us she thinks he was exaggerating a little bit once he realised the two pretty blondes would be trying to massage some blood back into it. He confirms her suspicions in an odd half-laughing, half-crying tone that is nevertheless entirely funny. As Asshole and Bambi approach, Dave yells at the ferry driver or captain or whatever to hurry up and go already. Since he has nothing better to do with his day than listen to rednecks from other countries yell at him, he does indeed take off, leaving Asshole to shake his fists at the boat like he was living in Shelbyville and Dave just stole back his own lemon tree. Melana quickly join them in waiting.

Meanwhile, the leaders disembark from the ferry and begin eating. Jeff tells us he's "never seen so many fortune cookies in [his] my whole life, actually", then immediately deadpans, "And I hope I never do again." Hee! I love when people who've gotten an invisible edit in the first couple of episodes turn out to be hilariously wonderful. Kind of like... whatshername from Australian Survivor. Or... that guy who was on Big Brother that time. Or half of the cast of Masterchef.

We have to suffer through a nice long section consisting almost entirely of "bite, spit, read, throw away, bite some more", and it's really not very entertaining even from the beginning, but at least these are fairly standard fortunes this time around. Given the first time this challenge was used practically half of them started with "Confucius Say...", it seems clear that they've decided it would be in poor taste to have the contestants feel like they should put on fake 'Asian' 'accents' in order to complete a task. Oh, irony. One of the fortunes Sam reads tells her, "An admirer finds you charming", and she immediately points to Grommet. Heh. That's gotta be the only time in Amazing Race history a joke works better if you pay attention to the gossip printed in TV Week. Specifically, Grommet did indeed fiddle with her chopsticks at some point during the race. He chowed her mein. He ate her fortune cookie. ("Chowing Mein", by the way, will be the title of my upcoming love story about two cannibalistic lions in a Chinese zoo.)

FBA are still lost. Or, perhaps, "steer rost". They switch cabs, and both complain (him in voiceover, her live on the scene) that they're going to be in last place. Sucks to be you, then. On the plus side, it's not like you're virgins to the whole bottom-feeding thing.

Commercials. Oh, Shania Twain and Celine Dion aren't in fact the same person? I'm such a bad gay sometimes.

We return for more whining, specifically of the "we always try our best, but the world's cabs all suck" variety. Let's take a look at the facts, shall we? In the first episode, they were the third to get pelted in the face with rice, but their fuck-up at the Detour dropped them into last place, and they only got out of it at the end because Momos were worse at counting money. In last week's episode, they turned being a fastboat ahead of Momos into a three-hour deficit arriving in Ho Chi Minh City by not booking a good flight, and then (after they were bunched the next morning at the garage) were the last team to finish the mechanic task. Even Giggle and Cackle beat them. Even Melana beat them. Even next season's teams probably beat them. Thanks to the Detour switchers they got to the Road Block in eighth, but still managed to wind up struggling to avoid elimination because Jenius sucked. The only real time they can correctly blame taxis was for getting them onto the last fastboat to Lombok, and even then everyone else was still there by the time they arrived. SHUT UP, FBA.

The farmers are also in the wrong place, but we're not supposed to care as much so they don't get their own commercial break. (I wonder if Tom knew Shania and Celine were different.) It doesn't really matter so much, since they both get on the next ferry with Giggle and Cackle. When Jenius tries to make excuses for their poor performance, Giggle doesn't even try to hide her sarcastic condescension. BWAH! So, yeah. Last ferry.

Ferry #2 arrives, and there is more eating. One fortune tells Mel, "You are talented with your hands", and she points out that "the boys say the same thing". We cut to Alana saying in a confessional that the task (not Mel, though also a valid point) was "disgusting". Mel explains that the cookies dehydrated her so much they were beginning to cut the roof of her mouth. Couldn't they have gotten some tapwater or something? That seems like it's the sort of thing that's easy to avoid.

The losing teams arrive, and: more eating. Tom's mouth is full as he is subtitled reading a fortune about someone leaving him bursting with pride. Well, of course. We all know it's going to be Luke. Let's just hope it's sooner rather than later. And in a television-friendly context. As Matt complains that the fortunes were a bit repetitive (right after the editors showing Kelly & Dave reading the same fortune twice in a row), we finally get someone eating the right cookie and escaping from the seventh circle of purgatory. Unfortunately, it's Jenius, so she and Bitchard will be the first to tackle either the Detour or the Fast Forward, both of which are in the next clue. (Speaking of good fortune? The lotto numbers. 41, 21, 5, 16, 17, 13, 45, and 24, which has somehow got to be a code for "fuck that shit".)

Naturally, they decide to capitalise on their sudden leap into the top half of the pack to go for the Fast Forward. Grant explains that this is the only one on the race, which is kind of disappointing, because since they cut it down from every leg until the final three has been determined to one or two in the season, it's been less of a saving grace for struggling teams and more of an automatic lead-extender for whoever happens to be in front at the particular time the clue is given out. As always, the first team to finish the task gets to skip whatever lame tasks on the leg they still haven't come across (SPOILER!) and go directly to the Pit Stop. This time, however, they'll have to take a risk by going to the Tin Hau Buddhist temple in Causeway Bay to find a cluebox that tells them about the task itself. And you just know that any time they don't tell you about the task until you arrive that it's going to be particularly unappealing.

Mo is the next to find the right cookie, and a bunch of teams tell them to hurry after FBA. Apparently FBA aren't too popular with the others. And if they'd only given us a sign, this wouldn't have been so hard for us to realise. They also head off in search of the Fast Forward of Doom.

Wallace and Grommet, on the other hand, realise it's basically a waste of time going for it with two teams already ahead of them, and instead opt for the Detour. So... you know. Two tasks. Pros. Cons. This time, the two stupidly-named and therefore brilliantly-named options are Lion Dance and Kung Fu Stance. But since that's needlessly wordy, we shall rename them Dance and Stance. Teams who choose Dance must put on a pair of baggy tasselled pants each, then get under a two-person lion-dancing lion and complete a routine. The moves are faster and more physical, but once you've done them you get the clue straight away. For Stance, however, you also perform a series of choreographed moves, but this time you're doing kung fu in synch with a group of locals. The moves are slower and more deliberate (and thus, should be easier to complete, at least in theory), but once you're done with them you then have to punch a stack of clay tiles each, while trying to avoid smashing straight through to a handful of broken fingers. Oh, and both tasks are at the same place (the Kowloon Walled City), so you can pretty much switch without any problem.

You could argue that Dance is a very weak Hare and Stance is a very weak Tortoise, but it's really more of a choice between Salad and Dessert, where they both look like they'd take the same amount of time but it's hard to pick the task that seems less cool. Basically, the uncool task is Salad, while the one that's supposed to be cooler is Dessert. Of course, then you've got an argument regarding whether martial arts or Chinese New Year is cooler, and I don't really want to get into that, especially considering I work a block away from Chinatown. The basic point? Not a good Detour.

Wallace and Grommet pick Stance, as do Jeff & Luke. (Elsewhere, Momos are speeding through Hong Kong talking about their good luck, while FBA are stuck in a tunnel and speaking in broken English to try and get their driver to switch lanes.) Melana pick Dance, while Giggle and Cackle pick Stance. By the time Dave & Kelly and the Lucys get their clues, their tables are literally almost empty. They both also choose Stance, so clearly that's our Dessert tonight. The last two teams give us a split decision, with Asshole and Bambi taking Dance and the farmers taking Stance.

Fast Forward Temple of Doom. FBA arrive and learn that the task this time is your standard head-shaving. Yawn. I'd find this far more interesting if it wasn't something literally every other version of the race (except China's, which didn't have any Fast Forwards) had done before. Anyway, once both team members' domes are re-chromed, they will be given the Fast Forward. As Jenius suits up to go first (giving herself less time to freak out), Bitchard explains that her hair's still messy from how they did "the mud challenge" yesterday. Um... no, they didn't. The closest thing to a mud challenge in the previous leg was the carabao half of the Detour, and FBA didn't pick it. I'm confused. Maybe they had a day off or something and she got her hair dirty then? But then why wouldn't she have washed it? Surely they'd have had showers at the Pit Stop. (Actually, she could have washed it even if it wasn't extended.) After telling us in a confessional that she's so vain she prob'ly thinks this recap's about her, she uses her "accent" to try and explain to the barber that she's got hair extensions. Like it matters at this point. As the clippers sweep through her hair the first time, we cut to...

Commercials. No, I don't want to mop the floor with an octopus!

Because there was so much tension in "will she bail and spend the rest of the race looking like a six-year-old who tried to give herself a haircut?", we get to return to FBA in time to see Jenius get the rest of her hair lopped to match. Naturally, there's a shitload of histrionics about how this makes her brave and... no. Cancer patients? Brave. People Shaving For A Cure? Not necessarily brave, but certainly worthy of adoration. A woman trying to win herself free money? Whatever. She tells us in a confessional that since it was "part of the journey" (DRINK!), she decided to do it, figuring her hair will grow back. All of a sudden, I can't wait for the Detour that's a choice between Divorce and Funeral.

A monk watches on praying, probably for FBA to shut up and leave soon.

Jenius asks Bitchard if she looks good bald, and he responds with a non-committal "Uh... yeah." Heh. They realise that she'll no longer need to carry her hair-straightener around with them, and ceklebrate being able to get rid of two kilos of weight from her backpack. But even more importantly, they get to ditch seventeen kilograms of power adapters. As the guy finishes shaving Jenius, Bitchard realises her hair extensions have left her covered in more scabs than most lepers. Of course, they'll probably think that's why they're being shunned by the other teams, rather than their obnoxious personalities and their 'inspirational' 'buzzwords', but still.

Bitchard also gets shaved, but that's not nearly as entertaining, and I want hurry up and get FBA off my screen, so... you know.

Wallace & Grommet and Jell & Luke approach the Detour. Wallace explains that they picked the kung fu since his brother's being doing it for over a decade, and throughout the time Wallace has been consistently used as "a punching bag". I fear I'm going to sound like (ugh) Wendy Francis here, but: He's only, you know, 25 or whatever. Twelve years ago he would have been thirteen. WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN? They explain that the routine was much longer and more complex than they were expecting it to be, failing to realise that they probably could have distracted the judges with some well-timed hairography. Luke tells us the routine they had to learn was a bit "like a kata" (ie. formation karate, pretty much), and yet a bit like a dance. And he was dancing like he'd never danced before.

Speaking of maniacs (maniacs), FBA have finished the Fast Forward. (Yes, I know. Nice segue, me.) After shrieking at herself in the mirror, and providing some more self-help crap about how it's some huge sacrifice for her to lose her fucking HAIR, Jenius reads that they're now headed "to the nearest Pit Stop". Unfortunately, the Pit Stop for this leg isn't back in Lombok, but is instead at the A Ma Cultural Village in Coloane. Grant basically tells us that Coloane is like a suburb of Macau, and thus FBA (and the other teams later on) will need to take a ferry to get there. Also? "The last team to arrive here WILL be eliminated." In their cab, Jenius explains that she'd been growing her hair for "maybe eight, nine years", and had even had hair extensions put in to get it even longer. I wonder whether the hair she was used was harvested from Bitchard's rapidly-receding hairline.

Momos have arrived just in time to notice that FBA have already won. They leave, apparently after having read the clue in the cluebox and confirming that it was a head-shaving task, with Mo explaining that they'd "hit the summit of Mount Disappointment". I suppose the good news is that the real Mount Disappointment isn't all that high.

At the ferry terminal, FBA are buying tickets to Macau. Thankfully, they avoid treating us like idiots and creating fake suspense, instead immediately showing FBA are taking the first ferry on their own.

Split-screen to the Detour, where Dave & Kelly and Giggle & Cackle are now both arriving. As they all struggle with a step that appears to be "hold your palm out, flick your wrist upwards, then roll it so your fingers are pointing down", Dave decides that their hasn't been nearly enough bleeping in this episode, and storms off to rectify the situation. Helpful. The Lucys arrive to distract Wallace and Grommet, causing Grommet to call the task "bullshit" when they are sent back to learn some more. Well, of course. It could never be the fact that you think with your own choads. (If the infamous red underpants commercial is to be believed.)

Meanwhile, Renae has noticed that since Sam was wearing a black tanktop and pants at the Detour, she was a bit like Lara Croft. Wasn't the tomb raiding last week, though? Oh, it must have been because she was doing martial arts. AhahahahahahaGO KISS YOUR OWN BROTHER OR ADOPT SIXTEEN CHILDREN OR SOMETHING.

Elsewhere, Kelly begins to show her worth on the race (after doing almost nothing in the first two episodes, and needing help on the Road Block last week) by taking the kung fu moves and taking Dave through them slowly, giving them names like "penguin" and "nuts".

Melana and Asshole & Bambi have arrived. Now it's a party! Mel explains that they picked Dance because she figured there would be fewer moves to learn. Yes, because dances are known for their simplicity. Both of these teams watch the example performance, which is just as complex and physically demanding as someone who isn't Mel would expect. Just to make it even harder, because wearing the costumes and jumping onto benches wasn't already hard enough by comparison, they've also got to keep in time with the music, which the Stance people don't have to do either. Of course, these guys don't have to break tiles with their bare hands either, but still.

Momos arrive just before the farmers, which really kind of shows just how much the farmers were screwed by those damn cookies. As Jeff & Luke are sent back to practice some more, Tom explains that they were thinking along the lines of "Breaking shit? Wooooooooooo!" when they picked Stance, so I guess that's our Dessert. (The kung fu, not Tom.) (Although... some whipped cream could also be fun.) He adds that since they don't feel like dancin', no Sir, they'll be no dancin' today.

Giggle & Cackle have been thoroughly confused by the lack of kicking in kung fu, and are off to Dance instead. I don't know. Having both tasks right next to each other makes it easier and less risky to switch (as opposed to last week's farming tasks), but since they're both the same basic task you may as well just stay with what you're already doing, because you're going to have the same difficulties with either task. Like, don't waste the time switching when the other task isn't clearly a more desirable option, you know? Between the four teams attempting Dance (Giggle & Cackle, Momos, Asshole & Bambi, and Melana), nobody seems to be having much luck.

Gaudy neon lights and triumphant music welcome us to Macau, where FBA have arrived. Knowing they're not about to be passed, they briefly relax in their taxi before running past a cluebox at the base of a flight of stairs to reach the Pit Stop. Running onto the mat with Jenius giving a flourish the likes of which haven't been seen since the last time The Price is Right was cancelled, Grant confirms that they're Team Number One. Just as the Lucys did in the first episode, they've won ten thousand bucks, so apparently NAB is our Travelocity this season. At least they don't have a gnome as a mascot. As they leave the mat, FBA confessional that "it was really worth it" to get out of last place for a little while.

We're now rid of the most annoying team of the season halfway through the episode, but everyone else is still at the Detour. Let's go back! After a montage of teams practicing, Wallace and Grommet are free to move on to the Breaking Shit part of Stance, which they accomplish without any difficulty, having been teenagers at one point in their lives. The clue tells them, "Travel to Macau, and the Venetian Macau Resort hotel." Grant adds that they'll also be travelling to Macau by ferry (as FBA did), but that they'll instead be going to the Venetian casino, where they'll change into provided suits or gowns and plonk down at one of two baccarat tables. For each hand of baccarat they win, they'll get a Mahjong tile with a letter on them. After they get ten tiles, they'll spell "A MA VILLAGE", and they'll get the next clue. More importantly, they've given each person an outfit depending on their actual gender instead of a suit and a gown per team regardless of the team's dynamic (which is how the Americans have been doing it for a while now), so nobody will look like bad drag queens this time. Not that Wallace has never gotten drunk and worn a dress at some point in his life. Because you just know he has.

As Wallace and Grommet leave, they take a few seconds to laugh at Momos in their dancing pants. Understandable, since Mos's have fallen down, which makes me wonder just how baggy they actually were. As Mos comments on how it's "public streaking" (even though Mos is still wearing his normal pants underneath), the editors tastefully and classily cut to the farmers. Quit mocking us, editors. They do at least seem to be in sync with each other, which makes them far better than Wallace and Grommet, and give the judge a thumbs-up each as they head off to break the tiles. Smash!

Melana have finished their routine, but have made "one mistake" and are forced to try again. It seems they're being judged less leniently for this than they are for the kung fu, but whether that's because of Stance's additional step or not is a mystery. Bambi tries to jump onto the benches and promptly tumbles off the side, but their next attempt is successful and they get the clue. You just know Asshole was hoping they'd suck so bad they'd switch and give him the chance to break something.

Momos suck. At the task. Not at life. But someone in race planning probably think the ability to dance in wacky outfits is a good metaphor.

Commercials. Okay, self. The fourth episode just finished (Oh. My. God.) and you're still halfway through a recap of the third. Hurry the fuck up. You have so much to discuss.

Momos continue to suck. Meanwhile, Giggle and Cackle are laughing at their inability to put one foot in front of the other. Cackle explains in a confessional that she thought she was going to keel over, forcing Giggle to fall on top of her, and that she thought, "that's not going to be a good look". Apparently, being on their hands and knees in a mudfield being dragged around by a carabao was fine, but this? Unconscionable!

In better news, Melana are done, and we are one step closer to being finished with this repetitive Detour. They're shown being in eighth place, which both gets my hopes up and makes me wonder why we didn't see three more teams, since right now they're the fourth team to get the Macau clue (but since FBA Fast Forwarded, they're actually in fifth).

As I fast forward through the next segment of the episode to get to a part that isn't comprised of "team attempts the Detour, team sucks, team is told to try some more", Dave & Kelly, the Lucys, and Jeff & Luke all finish Stance. SMASH! SMASH! SMASH SOME MORE! Both Sam and Kelly fail to break all their tiles, and it looks like if you fail to do it in one shot they stack some more back on top instead of letting you just smash what's left. They're pretty much only doing it this way to stop people from avoiding punching right through to the ground by breaking the tiles one at a time, but... you know, it works. This isn't like riding a bike all the way across the country to start again, you've just got to wait a couple of minutes for the tiles to be restacked and the larger jagged bits to be removed from underneath. So it's kind of a penalty for sucking without it being an actual "sit your arse down" penalty. I approve. Renae is so excited when Sam breaks the tiles properly that she picks her up in a fireman's lift, and I can't believe Seven didn't tease the shit out of that very minor girl-on-girl action in the commercials for this episode.

As Sam tells Renae baccarat is the only casino game she doesn't know how to play, we cut directly to the ferry terminal, where they, the surfers, the farmers, Melana, Asshole & Bambi, Dave & Kelly, and Jeff & Luke are all taking a ferry together. Oddly, even though we can see Luke on the boat, Grant does not mention them. Guess they really are that forgettable. (Grant, focus on Luke's arms. You won't forget them. Trust me, it's how I remember their presence.)

This leaves Momos and Giggle & Cackle still at Dance, but they both get the clue without any further dramas.

Being later at night now, there are even more glittery lights and people on the streets as the main bunch arrives in Macau. Taxi! Asshole and Bambi laugh at how they're pretty good at the challenges but have horrible luck with getting around. Looking at the timelines I've been making parallel to the recaps to help me keep track of where the teams are, it's the weirdest thing. They've been terrible at all the tasks they've done after starting bunched with others -- the abseiling, the fishing village, the fans, the jeeps, the fortune cookies -- but they've gained at least two positions on every other task up until this point. Tenth to sixth at the market Detour. Last at the boats to seventh with the money counting. Sixth to third at the farming Detour. Third to first at the coin Road Block. Ninth to fourth at this Detour. They're the sort of people who don't seem to handle head-on situations well (hard to tell, I know), but if you leave them on their own they rise to the occasion. Like a yeast. Yes. They're like the yeast of this race. This, of course, makes Giggle and Cackle the fourth glass of wine and FBA the awful hangover. (And Tom & Luke are two nice tasty slices of beefcake.)

The teams all marvel at the pretty lights and how everything is like a ripoff version of Vegas. So, you know, like Dubai, but with gambling and not in the middle of the freaking desert.

At the Venetian, Dave & Kelly are the first to arrive. Kelly feels the need to remind him as they walk in that there will be no yelling and no swearing. And you would not believe how fucking much the goddamned Macanese hate shit like that. (I think we've just found where we can deport Ted Baillieu and the Victorian state Liberal Party without having a war declared.) Dave tells us he "felt like some dirty old tramp off the street" when he entered, and... exactly. It's a brave move for the race to send the teams somewhere that's obviously going to have at least someone around who knows about The Amazing Race and what it's like and that, but it's nice to see the contrast between how expensive and upper-class the casino looks and how cheap and backpacker-y the contestants are during the race. Makes it seem like the non-glitzy parts of the race are affordable and within the realm of the average armchair traveller, you know? And it makes the Race more Amazing, so I'm totally down with it.

We are treated to a quick changing-room perve at the surfers and the Lucys before Melana are the first team to actually head for the baccarat tables. Mel asks nobody in particular if they can see her G-string through the dress. I feel like I should snark on that, but the punchline to every joke I can come up with is "craps". And I'd like to think I'm a little bit klassier than that. As they and Wallace & Grommet leave, we learn that while Sam is rocking the eveningwear portion of tonight's contest as expected, Renae probably needs some more tape on her tits. (Yep, klassy.)

The slow teams are on the last ferry. Bye, Hong Kong!

On the casino floor, a dealer cuts the cards. As the surfers watch, Grommet confessionals about how they were playing "Barackat", and Wallace has to put him straight by telling him the actual name. Except he totally mispronounces it too (it's "back-a-rah", the T is silent), so... nul points. Also? He's not really impressive enough on a world-history level to have a card game named after him yet. Sure, he might have been Time Magazine's Person Of The Year before (and probably will be again this year, unless there's a surprising but deserving Anna Bligh win, or they choose the Tunisians for starting that whole situation in the Middle Eastern countries), but so was Dubya. Twice. So was Zuckerberg. So were You.

There's a whole bit in which it seems nobody seems to understand the rules, but they all seem to eventually realise that it's basically a random 50-50 guess. Luckily, I happen to have access to Wikipedia, so here goes with my Completely Confusing Explanation: There's two hands, the "player" and the "banker". Each hand gets dealt two cards, face up. Aces are worth one, tens and face cards are worth nothing, and all the others are worth exactly what it says on the tin. You add the two cards together, and take the last digit of the sum as your score. If either hand has a score of 8 or 9, then the round is over. If not, the player hand stands if it has a 6 or 7, otherwise draws a third and final card. If the player hand stands, the banker also follows the same rule. If the player hand draws, then the banker hand's actions depend not on the final score but on what the third card's value is. Highest score at the end of the hand wins. And despite calling one of the hands the "player", people playing baccarat don't actually control a hand, they just bet on which of the two hands will win.

Melana are doing well. Alana explains in a confessional that they just kept betting on the dealer every time, and Mel chastises her for "giving away [her] secrets". Continually betting on the dealer in a casino? What an original move. Nobody's ever thought to do that before! (Ironically, it has some of the best odds of any casino game, so... you know.) Sam thinks it's funny that she's a VIP host at the Burswood Casino (read: glorified cocktail waitress), yet has no idea how to play baccarat. Yeah, it's a real laugh ryot.

The farmers are now in their suits, and Matt puts on an even drawlier accent than usual to ask if he looks like an oil baron. Yes, every person who ever wears a cowboy hat looks like the Rich Texan from The Simpsons. Ay carumba. Meanwhile, Tom checks the pocket of a pair of pants for a spare wallet or something. He explains in a confessional that they "looked dapper". Because Tom totally never looks hot without a bowtie. Hell, he could be wearing just the bowtie and still be smokin'.

As Asshole & Bambi arrive, Jeff & Luke are inside and walking along the edge of the canal running through the middle of the hotel. They marvel at the fact that someone could have been smart enough to build a miniature Venice inside and remember to paint the roof to look like the sky. As you do.

Signs for other games at the casino are shown, and it would be remiss of me to avoid pointing out that a professional poker player just barely missed out on a task taking place in a casino. Mostly because as soon as I read Frakus's bio and knew from the spoilers that there was going to be a gambling task, I came up with about a dozen standard puns that will now never see the light of day. Natural or artificial.

With Melana having seven tiles already, the farmers join them; while Dave & Kelly join the surfers and the Lucys (one of whom has nine tiles). I know which table I'd rather be at. Soon, Melana are done and get the clue. It tells them to take a cab to the aforementioned, aforeseen A Ma Cultural Village, where the next clue is in that cluebox FBA passed on their way to the Pit Stop. Oh, thank God, that means we're almost done with this leg and I can move on to the sheer childish glee I get to experience at some of the stuff that happens in South Africa. Alana snarks that her wild nights at the casino have finally paid off. Heh. Incidentally, they're leaving in their dresses, which will be quicker right now but isn't exactly conducive to running. Interesting decision. The Lucys are also done, Renae still holding her damned boobs into the dress. Unfortunately for them, Sam thinks the village is in Cologne, which would certainly be quite a Detour.

At some point, Dave & Kelly have apparently switched tables, sitting with the farmers as Asshole & Bambi join them and Jeff & Luke join Wallace & Grommet. The slow teams enter as they're all still playing. Soon, Wallace and Grommet are done. Meanwhile, the producers have apparently done their best to give Giggle and Cackle the sorts of dresses old ladies with blue-rinse hair would wear to the RSL. I'm not sure whether to laugh or be outraged on their behalf. The clincher is that they complain about how they "don't feel glamorous" right as they pass a neon sign for something called Fatburger. I feel so horrible for doing this, but: heeeeeeeee hee hee. They join the table with Jeff & Luke on it, as do Momos which of course means one thing: hilarity ensues. Mos points out that gambling is kind of frowned upon in their religion, so... you know. No virgins for you when you die. As Giggle and Cackle celebrate winning another hand, they comment on not knowing what they're doing (don't worry, neither do I with this whole writing caper most of the time), and Kelly looks over at them, all "How come they get to laugh and have fun?"

On the other table, the farmers are done. We splitscreen from them reading the clue to the village, where Melana and their gowns are arriving. It's a Road Block, asking "Who can crack the animal code?" Grant explains for the new and amnesiac viewers that "a Road Block is a task that only one team member can perform" (by the way, welcome! Again!), before telling us that this task sees the person performing the task being given a series of logic puzzle-type clues ("The horse is two years after the dragon", for example) and a rack containing twelve lanterns on two rows. Each lantern has a picture of one of the animals in the Chinese Zodiac on it, and all the player has to do is use the clues to put the animals (currently all jumbled up) in the correct order. So, basically, it's the exact same task as last week with less running and more rearranging. That said, of course, it's also far better than the Americans' attempt at a Road Block based around the zodiac, which was basically "search thousands of cards for twelve showing the animals, then hang them from strings". Sure, we're not in a high-altitude sitation for this, but I still like this task better. Anyway, once they think they're done, they'll stand in front of the village's doors with their partner and wait to be let in. If they're right, they can run in to find Grant and the mat. If not, they'll have to try again. Grant concludes the explanation with an odd "they'll have the odds stacked against them" pun that seems like they were trying to tie this task in with the baccarat, but... not really working for me.

Alana offers to take the task, but when she points out she might freak out under pressure, Mel takes it, bitching about how she's done all the Road Blocks so far. It's true that she's done three Road Blocks to Alana's zero at this point, but... it looks like the reason Mel is doing everything is because they see Alana as the weaker half of the team. That said, with no other teams here yet, it being pretty safe that Melana will survive the leg, and the six Road Block rule stopping them from having Mel do everything, now is exactly the right time for her to do a task. It makes precisely zero sense for her not to. Alana confessionals that she felt guilty for cracking under the pressure, even though (1) it was as close to a no-pressure situation as there ever will be on the race and (2) she can't crack under pressure when she's not actually doing the task. Mel explains as she starts on the puzzle that "there was a few nice easy ones" [sic] that provided "a bit of a foundation" before the clues got trickier to work out the remainder of the puzzle.

The Lucys are in their cab explaining that they got changed back out of their gowns. In a confessional, Sam tries to credit their "relaxed" nature on how they "did have the Express Pass in [their] pockets", and... well, it's not as suspenseful when you notice she's using the past tense. They get a bit panicky when their cab starts driving up winding roads in the dark, and decide to bail. Drama!

Commercials. Wait, Coles supplies all the ingredients for Masterchef? I'll remember that the next time a recipe calls for me to use an ostrich egg.

The Lucys are suddenly back at the Venetian and grab another taxi. They quickly realise that they've just wasted a shitload of time when their new driver takes them along the same roads. I know I shouldn't laugh at their bad luck, but... heh.

Grommet takes the task. He re-explains the task for those of us who were high during Grant's explanation, and... I don't feel so bad about my attempts to explain baccarat now. Just sayin'. He and Mel quickly agree to work together, but get baffled by which one is the ox. So do the editors, who cut to a shot of a lantern showing an animal that's closer to a fox than an ox. The farmers have arrived, both with playing cards stuck in their hats. As Tom starts the task, we can see that his playing card is, well, a queen. At least that's what it looks like on my low-quality copy of this episode. He begins without much drama, while Grommet and Mel continue to cooperate.

Look, it's kind of a bad sign that they're working together when the Pit Stop is so close and all, but since it's still in the early part of the race where it doesn't really hurt you to help someone unless you're fighting for last place, and since nobody's emerged as a true threat yet, I'm not as opposed. The line for me, I think, is when you're more than four or five episodes into the race, or when you're giving someone the actual answers instead of just sharing your thoughts. There's a difference between "I think the snake might go here" and "it's twenty-two", you know?

Since there's plenty of drama to be had with the Road Block, and very little to be had with people playing cards, we have a quick scene at the casino where the last five teams (in order, Dave & Kelly, Giggle & Cackle, Asshole & Bambi, Jeff & Luke, and Momos) cash out their chips.

The Lucys still arrive at the Road Block before any of them, so either it's not as far as it looks between the Venetian and the village, or the other teams had some really bad luck. Renae, Dave, Luke, and Bambi all volunteer their partners for the task. I'm thinking we should add "Dave whines about how he can't do a task" to the drinking game. Actually, let's go over the list right now, shall we? One shot for each of these:

• "Focus, Believe, Achieve" is spoken or referenced
• "Intense" is spoken or referenced
• A task is taken from a non-American foreign version of the race
• Matt or Tom comments on how somewhere visited looks nothing like their farms
• Giggle or Cackle falls over
• Uncensored swear words
• Censored swear words
• The two Detour task titles rhyme
• Someone comments on how everyone hates FBA
• Mel talks over Alana in a confessional
• A shown airplane departure board does not list any flights to where teams are headed
• One of the farmers' Akubras falls off as they get into a vehicle
• A commercial-break cliffhanger is resolved within twenty seconds upon returning
• Dave whines about how he can't do a task

Any more really obvious ones?

Kelly and Sam are working together again, as they did last week. Luke explains that people were already working together, so he decided he would make just as much "headway" (hee) if he asked... Tom. Good Lord, it's like they're even trying to ship themselves now. All I have to do is sit back and add the bits that can't be shown on television. As they form The Best Alliance In Amazing Race History, Luke explains that he used the knowledge of Jeff's and his own son's zodiac signs to work out where they went, as well as the fact that he's hung like a horse. Oh, sorry. Am I projecting? I mean to say he's from the Year of the Horse. Same thing, really, when you're talking about hanging lanterns.

Cackle takes it, as does Melbourne Zoo employee Mos. Kelly explains that she figured out from "the sheep is stuck where it stands" that it's already in the right spot, while Mos is confused. Well, he's not an actual zookeeper. He just works at the zoo. Mo and Giggle chat about how neither of their partners really has an idea of what to do. Meanwhile, Mel and Grommet work out from her extensive history of drunken encounters with random Adelaide bogans that the dog should be placed after the rooster instead of before. HA! Never has the concept of using what you know been more hilarious. They both try their new combinations are are let into the Pit Stop, where Melana finish second (first out of the non-bald teams) and Wallace & Grommet finish third.

Outside, Sam is wrong. Meanwhile, Tom's got the basic idea behind one of the more cryptic clues worked out, but it seems he's mixing it with the dog/rooster clue that was tripping everyone up. Kelly is done, and she and Dave finish as Team Number Four, so apparently she and Sam stopped working together at some point. We don't actually see how Tom works out what he was about to do was wrong, but the farmers are let in before Dave & Kelly are off the mat, finishing fifth (which is "sweet as"). They're quickly followed by Jeff & Luke, the former of whom confessionals about how Luke's "methodical approach" is something that he's "seen, like, just really rise with Luke". It's a good thing he wasn't close enough to see what else was rising during the Working With Tom part of the task. He's on the verge of tears as he tries to finish what was quickly turning into a Lame Grampa Story, causing Luke to reach over for a manhug and finish, "And that's how it went." Wow, exciting ending there. As they get let into the Pit Stop, Jeff calls Luke "a weapon", and it's a shame that I'm shipping him with Tom instead of Matt, because I would toally have not been above calling it a Weapon of Matt's Distraction. Anyway, they're Team Number Six, which means Asshole & Bambi's run of having major rises in their position at non-bunched tasks is over, since they arrived at the task in eighth. They're still done next, after the Lucys are told that their fake ID isn't valid, but they've only risen one position this time.

So, outside the village entrance we've still got Giggle and Cackle, the Lucys, and Momos struggling to complete the puzzle. Except Sam decides that thinking is just too damn hard right now, and gets Renae to agree to using the Express Pass. It sucks for them that they're having to use it this early, but this is probably the right situation for them to use it. They know the last three teams are right here and the Pit Stop is just metres away, and that it's the sort of task that would be a Hare if this was a Detour. If she fucks up again, and Cackle and Mos successfully manage to do it, then they're toast. So... they use it, and they're eighth, and all of a sudden this episode is guaranteed to end badly.

Outside, Cackle and Mos continue to struggle with the task. It looks like part of what makes the puzzle so difficult is that they apparently aren't allowed to (or don't think to) line them all up in their starting positions on the ground and use the racks to place only the lanterns they know are right, which is exactly what I would do in this situation. Part of it may also be whether or not they can get the lanterns reset to their starting positions, which would also make it easier to recover from a mistake. (And while I'm talking about the logistics of the task, this is one that's working far better than it did in The Amazing Race Asia, since the teams here haven't been raised knowing the Chinese zodiac as most of the remaining teams from that season did. It's not a puzzle if you know the answer.)

Giggle and Mo have both reached the point where they're sick of having to walk up the steps with their backpacks every few minutes just to find out they're wrong, and suggest to their respective partners that they quit the task and take the four-hour penalty. Giggle explains that they've also been up for a long time (based on their departure time for this episode and the Lucys' departure in the next, at least 26 hours at this point), and I totally get that. That's about how long I was up for on Saturday night as a result of being involved in an overnight Adam Lambert special at the community radio station I volunteer with (and by "being involved", I mean "tweeting about Adam's cock for six hours", because I know what obsessive fans want), and also only a few hours longer than I've been up today. It's never a good sign when you woke up at 7:00am and you're still up finishing a recap at 5:08am the next morning. So, you know, if anyone's qualified to talk about sleep deprivation right now? Well, they're not writing for the Herald Sun, let's put it that way. With both teams mulling over the possibility of the penalty...

Commercials. Good lord, it's so cold I'm considering putting on an extra birthday suit.

Mos gives up on the task, essentially giving Cackle a four-hour buffer with which to solve the puzzle. And given their penalty doesn't start until Grant tells them to step off the mat, probably a few minutes longer, too. We soon see Cackle deciding to "give it another shot", and being let into the Pit Stop, where they are officially Team Number Ni... wait, they also quit? Nice fakeout, editors. As soon as Mo figures out what this means, he reaches out to hug Cackle, as Grant confirms that this now means Giggle and Cackle are last. With more genuine sympathy than I think I've seen even from Phil, he tells them he's "very sorry to say" that they've both been eliminated from the race. Momos tell Grant there's "nothing to celebrate here", and... ooooh, Maudlin Muslims! Haven't seen that on TV either! Cackle explains that she was surprised that they made it as far as they did, and I'm sure she means it in a "we didn't expect to even get cast!" sort of way, but she's got a point. They're not the sort of dynamic the race usually casts -- there's only really been three Out Of Shape Female Teams in the show's history, two on the American version and one on The Amazing Race: China Rush, and they've all been pretty entertaining, if not necessarily likely to make it to the end. Sure, one of them finished fourth, but they also survived an early non-elimination (in fact, the first one after they started having penalties for them). Here, Giggle and Cackle were lovely people, and certainly seem to have become one of the most instantly-popular teams I can recall ever having, but I think everybody -- themselves included -- knew they weren't going to win. It doesn't necessarily lessen the impact of their elimination, but... you know. At least they weren't the first team booted. Their final confessional is all about teaching their kids they can do anything (except hang lanterns), and how the race isn't the weight-loss camp it's cracked up to be. Heh.

Next week: Far more enjoyment than there usually is in an episode containing a bungy jump.