June 14, 2012

Australia 2x02: Delhi, India

Previously on The Poseur-don Adventure: Eleven new teams took off on another one of these here races around the world. But then again, last season "around the world" just turned out to mean "about halfway around the world then most of the way back", so who knows? St. James was saddled with the dead weight that was his tapshoe-toting soon-to-be-ex Botogs, but got rewarded for laughing at her muddy vajoots with a third-place finish. On the other hand, Slave Steve failed to adequately hoist Asshole 2.0's petard up the flagpole, and got punished (not that he minded) by finishing second last, continuing the tradition that began with FBA last year. The Captain and Chenille spent most of the leg getting beaten by next year's teams, but were better at building bamboo rafts than all of the all-male teams combined and still managed to eke out fourth place. But the ultimate winners of the leg were the inoffensive narrators Ross and Tarryn, who were ultimately given a twist-y decision that amounted to "eliminate the last team and lose your chance to sleep at the Pit Stop" or "keep the last team and get about an hour of sleep" thanks to its horrible execution. Not surprisingly, they chose to try and delay their inevitable fatigue-related crapping out for a little while, and the lynchmob had to put away their axes for a little while once the awesome Lucy and Emilia were saved. Eleven teams still remain, about half of whom are on race life support. Who will we pull the plug on... TOBEEEEEEEEEEP?

Credits. This week with added vocals from Little Richard! [A-BOMP BOP ALOO BOMP, A-BOMP BAM BOMP.]

Commercials. Things that suck about realising you've written fifty recaps: Realising you've done so without making any money from them.

The Philippines are still a volcanic archipelago, and it's where we reunite with our teams, who are waiting at Misibis Bay to begin the second leg. As the winners of the last leg, Ross & Tarryn are leaving first, at the handy lead-keeping time of 12:58am. With his jumper colour-coordinated to match her backpack, they read a clue sending them to Delhi, India. Sitars accompany an assortment of timelapse stock footage introducing the Indian capital, including a cow randomly waiting on a median strip as the cars go by, as Grant explains that upon landing, the teams will need to find "this 2000-year-old well" (the Ugrasen Ki Baoli, which is kind of more like a giant downhill staircase than a typical well) and pull apart the turbans of a group of about 50 "Indian mystics", searching for one which has the word "correct" printed on the fabric. If they unwrap one and it's wrong, they have to fix it before continuing. And just to make it harder to keep track of things, the men are all walking around the place. Basically, it's the fan search task we had at this point last year, except they don't need to find a turban with their own name on it. Back in the real world, Ross reads that they've got to travel all the way back to the airport in Manila by jeepney. Which is odd considering there's a domestic airport not that far away in Legazpi. Tarryn confessionals about their Salvage Pass decision, and confirms the sisters being the last team helped them decide to keep them more than it would if another team were in the position. Like Team Asshole 2.0?

In a montage of Pit Stop departures, Kym and Donna leave at 1:01am, St. James and Botogs at 1:08am, and The Captain and Chenille at 1:11am. The former two teams read the clue with the weariness that yet another Amazing Race visit to India warrants (half of the 28 seasons worldwide that could have gone to India did, often for more than one leg), while The Captain and Chenille could not be more excited if they saw a kitten using chopsticks. The Captain explains, "I was so excited to go to India. It's just somewhere I've always wanted to go for the whole spiritual sense of the whole country." The WHOLE spiritual sense, you say? Of the WHOLE country? Chenille adds, "We like to think that we give good vibes and we get good vibes." But sooner or later the Geraldton Club X is going to run out of Rabbits.

Oh. The other kind of vibes. Never mind.

Montage #2. Sam & Sticky depart at 1:15am and are overjoyed; Joseph and Grace head for "Dalai" ten minutes later; the twins follow at 1:31am; and the cops leave with their $50 bribe at 1:57am. Shane exposits, "Being police officers [DRINK!], we have a good rapport with people whether they're young or old," while in their jeepney he and Andrew invent some sort of ruse to con the people of India into thinking they're Glenn McGrath and Brett Lee. Because pretending to be two of the most famous cricketers in the WORLD, in a country where they foreshadow cricket's "basically their language", and where both of them have played in the Indian domestic league, AND where one of them had a hit single not that long ago, when neither of you actually look like the people in question? That will totally work. Nitwits.

2:30am. Adam & Dane. 2:34am. Asshole 2.0 and Slave Steve. 3:39am. Lucy and Emilia. Huh? There's no way the last two teams arrived that far apart. And there's no way Team Asshole 2.0 arrived that soon after Adam & Dane, considering the cousins reached the Pit Stop in broad daylight and Team Asshole 2.0 hadn't even started their final paddle until the sun was setting. Whatever you say, show. While the sisters get into their jeepney and ask their driver to go fast (partially in the local language, no less), Lucy confessionals about how they've had a hard life and all that jazz, which is pretty much editing shorthand for "CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE, DAMMIT. WE DON'T WANT ANOTHER SITUATION LIKE LAST YEAR."

More timelapse footage brings us to the airport in Manila, where everyone tries their hardest to get priority seating (Ross by being old, Sticky by having one arm, Asshole 2.0 by existing) on the 6:25pm flight. Sticky confessionals yet again about his arm (shorthand: "AND HIM TOO."), and Sam plays the "But he already gets enough sympathy!" card yet again, before Sticky shuts him down by pointing out he's also better-looking. Heh. And true. Meanwhile, Botogs proves she has at least part of a brain beneath those ridiculous eyebrows by wondering whether they should be checking more than one airline. St. James points out they should probably at least book tickets on the same flight as everyone else first, just to be safe. In a confessional Botogs tells us he's more rational than she is, and claims the race will "make or break [their] relationship, basically". This never ends well. Seriously, have any teams who've used the race to test their relationship still been a couple by the time their season actually aired?

Elsewhere, a random Kym confessional calls himself and Donna "a bit awesome", while the twins basically show they've got the same storyline Melana had last year: One sister's a bossy little knowitall but wants the other to "step up". They decide to exchange their money and "see how many rupees [they] can get". Hey, look! Someone knows a foreign currency! It seems like it's been forEVer since the last time that happened!

Outside the airport, Grace is busy asking a security guard how to get to India. Well first, you take a bus from Bali to Vietnam. She confesses, "Joseph is very intolerant of me at times. I can get on his nerves very easily." This is not surprising, as we soon see her at the ticket counter asking when the next flight AFTER the one they're getting tickets for arrives. Because that's totally relevant. He responds, "It's kind of a tradition to listen to the eldest child." Can someone please tell my younger sisters about this tradition? Like, twenty years ago? For no apparent reason, he adds that his strengths will cancel out her weaknesses. Which would be great if this was a tag-team competition. But it's not.

The cops and cousins arrive at the airport together, Adam hoping to play on their meathead image a little more. Pretty sure he lost the ability to be underestimated once he wound up in the top of the pack last week.

After they get their tickets, Botogs decides she is thirsty. She explains that St. James told her it would be better to wait until they were on the plane in order to save money (and it's not like airports don't have drinking fountains), and complains about him being a "tightarse". She of course is loose with her posterior, as we have already seen. As soon as she wears him down to the point where he snaps and offers to buy her a drink, she changes her mind and says she'll refuse to drink it. Seriously, what is her major malfunction? Even in the confessional where he explains he bought her a drink, she talks over him and gloats that "he felt guilty, 'cause he knew he was wrong". Except for that bit where he was completely right and you acted like a harpy shrew. As he returns to their seats with the drink in hand and places it next to her, she picks it up and throws it on the floor. Isn't she a class act? Back in the confessional, he covers his face in exasperation and moans, "It's like a bloody soap opera with you!" And not even a good soap opera. It's like a Neighbours episode devoted to Toadie. When he - correctly - points out she's completely overreacting, she threatens to cause an even bigger scene than she already is. It's right about now that I notice for the first time that the people in the background appear to care as little about this argument as I do. Free St. James!

Elsewhere, Joseph notes that the last two teams haven't bothered to show yet. But then Asshole 2.0 and Slave Steve rock up, the former calling himself "the intellectual powerhouse of the team" and Slave Steve his "social disguise". Unfortunately for the two of them, the powerhouse they've chosen is a deactivated German nuclear plant and the social disguise is a pair of plastic Groucho Marx glasses. He seems to think people will love Slave Steve and forget he exists, which would be a little easier if he would just shut up about how he's the reincarnation of Jesus already. The wonderful editors immediately cut to a twin confessional where one of them says, "We just can't really trust [Team Asshole 2.0]. We just don't have any time for them." Convenient, since the editors don't have any more time for this airport sequence and just cut to the bit where everyone else is already on board the plane as the sisters walk in, Lucy explaining by confessional how great it felt to be on the same "bus" as the other teams.

The Amazing Globe is decidedly less cloudy than it was last week, which helps the Amazing Red Ribbon hop its was from Manila to Bangkok and then to Delhi. Grant tells us everyone's arriving at 12:50am. Meanwhile, I am shocked to realise Delhi is so far north of Bangkok. Was it always there, or did some giant earthquake I've forgotten about crush Nepal into oblivion? More timelapse people transition us to the airport, where nobody has any trouble finding a taxi. (India 1, Philippines 0.) The Captain notes that their "taxi driver drove like an absolute crazy man". And indeed, he seems to have been taught how to drive by a professional rally racer who forgot actual roads functioned differently. Meanwhile, the cops are having no luck with their ruse, and Botogs is STILL bitching about that bloody drink. Pity.

Suddenly, a veritable gaggle of teams arrive at the well, only to realise it's only open from nine to five-thirty. In other words, even IF Ross and Tarryn had chosen the headstart last week AND it got them to the airport early enough to find a better flight to Delhi, they STILL would have lost the lead almost instantly.

Even more suddenly, it's 9:00am and the well is opening. Everybody is overwhelmed by the task, and it looks like (judging from Botogs and Emilia both holding clue envelopes as well as clues) they got a separate clue here for the task, which might help explain it. While one of the twins voices over about the task being "confusing" because "they were all the same" (oh dear), Sticky and Sam notice a guy near the bottom of the stairs "looking pretty shifty", and go over to check his turban. Not surprisingly, it's one of the correct ones. Ross and Tarryn also find a correct turban on a guy walking straight towards them, and both teams head up to the top to get the clue: this week's Detour.

Grant explains that "in this Detour involving India's most sacred animal" (which Grace probably thinks are Dalai llamas), teams must decide whether they want to complete a task named Pull or a task named Poo. Because Australians are classy like that. Even Grant can't believe it. And I can see I'll be renaming the crappy (I'M SORRY) Detour names even earlier than usual this year. Teams choosing Fill (nee Pull) must make their way to a dairy farm outside of Delhi and each eke out half a litre of milk from a group of waiting cows. The catch is you have to milk it into a rounded bowl, which won't balance on the ground on its own. Teams choosing Fuel (nee Poo) must work barehanded to make fifty "fuel bricks", using only a provided pile of hay and a literal steaming load from a cow who is unknowingly literally shitting bricks, sticking each of them onto a wall to dry. So basically the choice is either a perfectly fine task that can be completed fairly quickly, or a pretty damn unpleasant task that will take a while. What WILL most of the teams choose?

As expected, both of these teams choose Fill, not even really debating the matter. Still at the task, however, a bunch of teams are having trouble remaking their turbans. What's so hard about twisting it up like it's a towel you're about to flick (and you know just know some of these people have experience with locker room tomfoolery), then winding it around and around like an extension cord? I mean, really. Emilia explains that they were only picking the guys who were smiling, which as it turns out is a horrible idea when they were all smiling. Lucy clarifies they "only picked good-looking ones", to which Emilia argues they were the "I'm sexy and I know it" type of good-looking. And apparently her idea of a good-looking man sounds like Joey Tribbiani. Heh.

The cops have the right turban, and decide to show Dane what he's looking for on their way back up the stairs. Just in case he has no idea what a turban is or what everybody else is doing, apparently. SO CONSIDERATE, YOU GUYS. The cops may possibly be more aggravating than even Asshole 2.0. I mean, at least HE knows he's being a tool. Even despite picking Fill, these guys are a couple of spanners short of the full kit.

The Captain and Chenille notice one of the walkers is trying to avoid teams, so run over to him and find a correct turban. This would have been much more fun if nobody told the walkers whether they had one of the correct turbans or not. They join everyone else in the realm of sanity by picking Fill, Chenille telling us as they leave, "I haven't milked a cow since I was a kid." Which still makes her more qualified than any of the other contestants.

While Ross bitches about the lack of road rules and omnipresent Indian traffic (and let's call that little bit "What Goes Around..."), Sticky and Sam are stuck in a traffic jam and accosted by a pair of friendly neighbourhood transvestites. It must be Tuesday. Or they're playing up to the camera. Or it's Sam's pink shorts. Sam himself struggles to decide what to call them in a confessional, prompting Sticky to eventually suggest "blokes". It turns out one of them started copping a feel, which despite being totally inappropriate is exactly what I would have done if I was standing on his side of the tuktuk. Sam admits to being a little turned on after the whole exchange, and you just know Sticky is totally the sort of guy who it taking mental notes and will organise a drag stripper to jump out of the cake at his next birthday.

The cops have decided they're being led on "a wild goose chase", and if anybody knows about futile attempts to get a clue, it would be two members of the Victoria Police. They eventually decide to switch tuktuks without paying their driver (which for the record is definitely against the race rules). As they head off it turns out their bad driver isn't happy about being taken for a free ride, and starts tailing them, leading to what Shane terms a "situa-shone". Mate, if deliberately mispronouncing words wasn't cute when Sam did it last week, it's sure as fuck not going to be cute when you do it. As their past and present drivers converse in Hindi Andrew voices over, "Our position was slipping away." Dun-dun-DUN!

Commercials. You know what I never want to see again? Celine Dion doing the AC/DC "leg guitar" routine. I know she's made a history of using her voice to counteract poor decision-making, but... no. Just... no, Celine.

Shane is still complaining in the confessional about the entire situation being "foreign" to them as cops [DRINK!]. In their defense, they don't mean foreign in THAT sense, although it's still a dreadful choice of words. Andrew at least understands, "You're in someone else's country, you've just got to roll with it," and it does seem like he's the less ignorant of the two.

The sisters find a correct turban on a "grumpy turban man", and Donna decides to try a green turban (which is also correct). Kym and Donna choose Fill, while the sisters show some more of the racing ability that gave them such a good finish last leg by picking Fuel.

At the Detour village, cows roam the streets with wild abandon, and have as much control of their bodily functions as someone leaving a bar at 4:00am. As the first teams arrive, Sam steps in a cow pat (because today is just his day), and Ross exposits, "The dairy itself looked like it had never actually been hosed out or cleaned. The cow manure was everywhere." India = Dirty! Thank you for this keen cultural insight, Channel Seven! They begin milking, Ross immediately having more luck than Sam, who can't even get a hand on his teats before the cow is kicking.

The cousins and St. James and Botogs both find a correct red turban and pick Fill.

Ross is already done with his half of the milking (the bowl they need to fill has two lines, to show how much each team member needs to get), and Tarryn gets to begin. Eventually. As soon as she can figure out how to get the milk out. Ross explains that she gets "frustrated" when things don't happen instantly. Over on the other side of the dairy, Sam is all done. And then the trouble begins. With only one hand to milk the cow, Sticky has to place the rounded bowl on the ground in order to fill it. Which is all well and good until the cow decides to get a little agitated. And by "a little", I mean "Sam has to start his half of the task again".

The Captain and Chenille arrive, Chenille explaining that she once tried to milk a goat and hoping that the process is similar. While The Captain takes her backpack for a little while, Chenille rubs her hands together to warm them up a bit. She's soon almost done, snarking about the lack of a milking stool. Hee!

Back at the turban hunt, the twins are getting antsy at their lack of success, while Joseph and Grace finally find the right one. Grace nevertheless decides to slowly unwrap the rest of the turban from their guy's head, prompting Joseph to question her in their confessional. She lies and says she didn't know he found it, even though she looked directly at it and hugged their guy in gratitude. Joseph correctly points out, "Me shouting out 'I've got it!" is a big... big giveaway." As they decide to go cow-milking, Slave Steve narrates, "There was only [Asshole 2.0] and I and the cheerleaders left, so we were in equal last place. There isn't absolutely no way [sic] we wanted to get beaten by two blonde bimbos." Ugh. And I was trying so hard to like him. I mean, I can't stand the twins at all, but at the end of the day I'm totally a feminist, and he's completely out of line. He can join Asshole 2.0 and the cops on The List.

But then the twins find a correct turban (also joining the other teams milking the cows) and leave Team Asshole 2.0 behind. One of the twins exposits, "We're not big fans of the alphas." Alphas? Please. Even calling them "the betas" would be stretching it. Their success up until the raft task was a crapshoot - it was a given that a male team would probably finish the car puzzle first after the footrace to the boats, the three teams who beat them to the balut included the team who went from first to last in a single task and the lady who was allergic to the food, and while they managed to get the first bus one of the two teams they shared with switched Detour tasks. Pretty much all we can prove at this point is that they're better at eating duck fetuses than Ross and Tarryn, and that they can catch pigs better than Adam and Dane. And out of all the tasks so far a true alpha male should have been good at, they really weren't. So, yeah. Omega suck.

A gaggle of teams - the cousins, the sisters, Kym & Donna, and St. James and Botogs - have all arrived at the Detour at the same time. Botogs has changed into a pair of actual shoes, and has used it as an excuse to complain about everything. I know, I was surprised too. But because we've already seen a bunch of cow-milking, let's watch the sisters at the crappy Detour option for a little while. They watch the demonstration and realise it's the same sort of process used to make pasta (really?), before beginning the task itself and immediately realising they have not been provided gloves. Emilia incredulously explains, "Literally there was a cow and its poo, and you had to put your hand into the poo." As opposed to that fancy store-bought manure, I suppose. Lucy tells us she "chose to go to a happy place". Unfortunately for her, she does not mean "the other Detour task". Their first successful fuel brick is met with cheers from the waiting crowd, although they also a thumbs-down. There's always one.

Kym tells us, "Donna's a little bit of a country girl. She's pulled a teat in her time." And she's also milked a few farm animals, as her ease with the task indicates. Adam finds it hilarious that his chosen cow can pretty much unleash a torrent of milk with a single squeeze. Botogs the animal biologist makes a complete tit of herself by wondering if boobs and teats are the same thing, before wondering out loud whether they'll be forced to drink the milk once they're done. Incidentally, both Adam and Botogs have their bowls balanced on the ground, so that's clearly not an issue.

Omega have found the last correct turban (Slave Steve getting his castrati on when hugging their guy), and pick Fill.

The Captain and Chenille are almost finished. Meanwhile, Sticky just has to put his hand on the cow's back to get it to ark up. Sam, suddenly an expert on cow behaviour patterns, tells him the cow can sense fear. Because his hand would get all cold and clammy while he's trying to milk it? We get another confessional where Sticky does the whole "I can do anything!" schtick, right before the cow steps directly into the bowl and dumps all the milk out.

Commercials. Dear Queensland: We love you IN SPITE of Bob Katter, not BECAUSE of him.

When we return, Sticky's bowl is fuller again, so clearly Sam must have milked the cow for a third time by the time the cow resumes its tantrum and they have to switch tasks. It seems like Sticky made that task much harder for himself than it otherwise would have been, even without a second arm. Sam confessionals, "I've known Sticky for twelve years, and that is honestly the first time I've ever seen him quit at something." We then get exactly the same Sticky confessional from just before the commercial break, now with the end of the sentence where Sticky explains he couldn't finish the task.

Chenille notices the bailout, and she and The Captain finish soon after. The clue tells them they'll need to take a tuktuk to the Old Fort, where they'll need to star in a "Bollywood extravaganza" by correctly learning and performing both a dance number and a dialogue in Hindi. Once the director is happy, they'll get the next clue. Seems fairly simple, although oddly, the graphic for this task says "Proceed to: Bollywood!", complete with exclamation mark because it is JUST THAT EXCITING, and even though that's false advertising. Don't the producers know the meaning of the B in Bollywood? And shouldn't that mean actually going to Bollywood requires a side trip all the way down to Mumbai? To put this into another context, it's the same as having a Broadway-themed task in Washington DC. Would they do it there? Or in Chicago? Or even in Los Angeles? Obviously not. So why is it okay here?

The sisters are still working when Sticky and Sam arrive. They immediately begin shovelling manure into their basket without any disgust, Sticky pointing out "I've felt worse things and smelt worse things, definitely." I don't even know where to begin asking, or whether I want to know. They realise the sisters are pretty much half-done already, and begin hauling ass. So to speak.

Ross and Tarryn have finished milking their cow, and the shot of the clue we get shows it mentions the dialogue part of the task but not the dance. Could it possibly be a last-minute addition once most of the teams decided to go and catch pigs last week?

Joseph and Grace reach the Detour, the former commenting on all the flies and the need to keep their bags on. Because you just never know where the ground's been. Meanwhile, the twins' cow decides to let its bladder go at the same time, and St. James's cow kicks the bucket. Or bowl, as the case may be. On the other hand, Kym and Donna are done, and Adam and Dane are getting restless.

The cops are STILL lost. Oh well. They encounter the misfortune of finding Omega, and soon decide to just follow them instead of running their own damn race. Omega isn't having a bar of this for so many reasons, and good for them. I don't like them and I still wish they weren't here, but at least they understand how this show works. The cops are terrible racers - they've been overtaken by MULTIPLE teams at every task so far except the pigs (when they only beat Botogs, a team who was consistently in last place throughout the episode, and a Detour switcher), including a fall from first to SEVENTH at the fairly simple car task, and if you count the charter bus signup they were the only team to not complete a task in the top five last week - and they're not even an entertaining jokey 'cannon fodder' team like the sisters or St. James and Botogs or any of the cannon fodder teams last year. Why are they here?

While Shane deems the situation "frustrating for us somethin' chronic", Asshole 2.0 snarks, "I don't know how we managed to lose them when it was only two metres away, but... well, they're impressive cops." HA! See, cops? They're not good at racing, but they're at least worth watching. Omega comes across the fuel brick task while walking to the dairy, and decide to switch tasks on the apparent belief they can beat the sisters and the guy with one arm. This logic, of course, ignores both everybody milking cows and the fact these two teams have a significant head start, but if I expected sane logic from anybody voluntarily doing this when the other task is so much quicker, I'd be waiting forever.

Inside the dairy and beneath a shawl, Grace tells us, "Joey's doing really well. He's got the, uh, the 'movement' right," complete with hand motions that make it clear she knows she's making a masturbation innuendo. Someone give her a TV show already. She's hilarious. As the twins reach halfway and switch, both St. James and Botogs and the cousins are done. Botogs vows, "I'm chuckin' these runners in the bin after this".

We splitscreen over to the Old Fort, where The Captain and Chenille and Ross and Tarryn have arrived simultaneously, with Kym and Donna supposedly joining them but never actually seen in the same shot. The Captain reiterates the task, and it looks like the producers have spared no expense with this task. Compared to, say, the American version of it when producers just stuck a stage in the middle of nowhere and hoped people wouldn't notice. As they begin rehearsing the dance number, The Captain notes, "As Bollywood dancers we make great hairdressers," despite their attempt being one of the better ones we'll see today.

The cousins have also reached "Bollywood", and give the last of their cash to their driver, leaving them broke again. What is it with these teams and money management?

Tarryn tells her dance teacher she needs "lots of help", and Ross appears to not even know he needs to also perform the dance. He confessionals about how it was fun to dress up "like an Indian man" (oh, Ross), but that the task itself was a nightmare. And indeed, their rehearsal is AWFUL. Spanish Eurovision entry awful.

The cops finally arrive at the Detour dairy, having apparently decided they couldn't possibly waste any more time finding the place. Joseph notes that Grace is "encroaching on the line" with her milk, and bestill my beating... um, part. Good-looking guys who know how to use big words? So hot. He confessionals that they had no idea how hard it was to milk a cow, being from the city and all, but it's worth noting that in Australia even actual farmers don't often milk cows by hand any more, so... you know. Grace has found a plastic bin to sit on, making the task a lot easier for her, but when the cow kicks she loses a decent amount of milk.

While Andrew milks, the cow attempts to make out with the camera. Famewhore. In other news, the cow the twins are using? It's finished emptying its bladder and has moved on to a full bowel evacuation. Heh.

And speaking of shit, the sisters are still outside at the fuel brick wall, which one of them calls "therapeutic". Emilia confessionals, "It took us so long to do the poo because out patties looked pretty schmick. I think we just fussed over them too much." Also, because the task was clearly sucker bait. Meanwhile, Sticky and Sam are finished with their manure mural. Not surprisingly, the lady giving out the clues here refuses to give either of them a high-five.

St. James and Botogs are in a tuktuk which she deems "slow". Despite us being shown the tuktuk moving at a fairly respectable pace, she seems to think they could walk faster, and forces St. James to get out. She decides to offset being overcharged for the trip to the Detour by underpaying the driver as they leave, explaining via confessional, "I understand he's trying to make a living, but I'm trying to win a race," while completely forgetting that they're in the country responsible for the entire "karma" concept. And despite karmic payback not traditionally being valid until reincarnation, it comes as no surprise that they're immediately struggling to find a replacement tuktuk.

Commercials. Remember, he's not a pornographer, he's a purveyor of fine arse.

When we return they're still waiting for another tuktuk to pass, and St. James is complaining about how the should have stuck with the devil they knew. Botogs calls their first tuktuk driver "[as] useless as tits on a bull", and... technical accuracy aside, surely there was another simile she could have used, considering the last task they completed involved the tits of a female bull. Right?

The Captain and Chenille are ready to perform. They get a pass on the dance even though they're out of synch with the backup dancers, and are the first team to attempt the dialogue. The way this works is the "director" holds up an idiotcard with the words on it in both English and Hindi, and they pretty much just have to read the Hindi words. Or as the Captain calls it, "Hindu". Is she speaking in tongues? She gets through the first line okay, but then Chenille struggles to pronounce her first line, and the director is all, "Don't call us. We won't call you."

All the way back at the Detour, Omega are still inching their way along. Emilia figures out that even when mixing it with hay, there still needs to be a layer of manure against the wall so that it sticks. I wonder why the hay is even necessary then. Is it just so they can scrape the dry manure bricks from the wall? Unfortunately for them, us, and pretty much humanity in general, she blurts this newfound knowledge out to Omega. Soon Omega are "smashing through theirs", and pass the sisters, finishing the Detour in seventh. Wow, there are still four other teams here? Lucy calls it "nice of her" that she helped a team pass them, once again forgetting about a third of the show's title. And then both teams of sisters are thankfully done, leaving only the cops and... is it Joseph and Grace, the other team? Damn.

Walking to the stage for their performance, Tarryn tells Ross, "As long as we get the pronounciation [sic], then that's what we're being judged on." Rather brilliantly, Ross corrects her mispronunciation of 'pronunciation', but stumbles over it himself twice before getting through the entire word. Hee! She snaps back, "Don't correct me on that! Correct me on the other crap, I don't care!" Careful Tarryn, he might wash your mouth out with soap. Their dance is... well, atrocious would be a compliment. Ross himself correctly notes, "I've got two left feet, both lead." It's certainly some kind of heavy metal, which is entirely unhelpful when dealing with a poppy Bollywood number. They're failed and have to go back, not even getting a chance to test Tarryn's "pronounciation".

Kym and Donna get passed through the dancing without us seeing it, which suggests it wasn't very interesting at all, even by the low standards set by this week's tasks. Seriously, we had so many good tasks last week. This week? Unwrapping turbans and milking cows. When they try the dialogue, Donna is nearly stumped by "Adelaide" (even though it's the same damn word in Hindi), which doesn't bode well when it turns out the producers decided to force errors by including place names like "Bhubaneshwar" and "Thiruchchirapaalli". (And thank YOU, whoever decided to subtitle the dialogue.)

Joseph and Grace are done, but can't even carry their full bowl from the cow to the task judge without bickering. Why is it kind of cute when they argue, yet so fucking annoying when other teams do it? This leaves the cops in last, but at least they should be good at chasing people.

Omega, the twins, and the other sisters have all arrived at the Old Fort at the same time. Oh, and the cousins are apparently also here. When they attempt to perform, they have no idea where their mark even is, which doesn't bode well. In the least surprising turn of events this side of the whole situation in Syria being declared a civil war, the unimpressed director flunks them.

Walking to the stage in bare feet (as opposed to Ross earlier), Botogs wonders aloud, "Do I win a pedicure after this if I get this?" That depends. Do Big W sell at-home pedicure kits? (Oh. Sorry. I got this mixed up with the recap for The Price is Right again. My bad.) They also get passed for the dancing without us seeing, which is a real shame for those of us who wanted to see St. James shake it. Botogs fails the dialogue for the team, and James takes the opportunity to make fun of her in the confessional. Because he's awesome like that.

The Captain and Chenille get out their liquid LSD to try and help them get the language right.

Shane and Andrew are FINALLY done milking their cow, in the process simultaneously becoming the first team in Amazing Race history to be captioned as "Currently in the Last Place [sic]" and becoming the first team this season to earn my eternal hatred by trying the patented "speak English really slowly and really loudly to make the natives understand, even though you're a foot in front of them" technique.

Sticky tells the director to go easy on him because of his disability, and their performance... you know, it's probably half a beat out of synch with the backup dancers, but it's still the best attempt we've seen so far. Sticky confessionals, "You wouldn't have thought we had Bollywood in us, we've never done any sort of choreography," to which Sam counters, "We did the Nutbush at high school," and Sticky replies, "We can do the Macarena, probably". I hate to be that guy, but I'm pretty sure one of you would struggle with the Macarena, since it's pretty much a variant of the Hokey Pokey and you can't quite put your left hand in. They get passed for the dance routine, and even though their dialogue sounds like a bad South Park joke about foreigners, they are given the clue sending them to the Pit Stop, which this week is at Qutub Minar, (per Grant) one of the oldest Islamic shrines in India. And probably in the world, considering it was built over 800 years ago and the entire religion only dates back to about 1200 AD.

Hmm. No Road Block. I'm not happy we essentially only get half a leg (irrespective of how awesome the tasks are - and this week they really weren't - legs always feel incomplete without either a Detour or a Road Block), but it's worth noting that the most recent season when they were filming this one had three legs with a Road Block and no Detour AND a leg with TWO Road Blocks and no Detour (meaning the twelve-leg race had thirteen Road Blocks but only eight Detours), so if this is a protest against the devaluation of Detours I wholeheartedly approve. It's probably not, but let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say it's a protest instead of just bad race planning. For now.

Sticky and Sam don't have much of a lead, though, as The Captain and Chenille power through their next attempt to be given the clue. While the Taswegians ask for directions (...to where? It's not like they need to WALK to the Pit Stop), The Captain and Chenille catch up, which pretty much amounts to nothing except both teams leaving at the same time.

Tarryn notes that pretty much everybody - in fact, everybody except the cops - have at least arrived at the task, if not already left. She bemoans that "most of those girls can dance". As if they were waiting for a cue, the editors cut to the twins, one of whom confessionals, "We're both cheerleaders [DRINK!], we both can dance, and this was our chance to catch up." Much like the dancing last week was your big chance to catch up. How did that work out again? Anyway, this time they actually get the routine down - perhaps it was significantly easier, just so the backup dancers could learn it in time? - and without us getting to watch the dialogue portion of the task, they also get the Pit Stop clue.

Okay, seriously editors: If you don't want to show a task, don't tell us they have to complete it. It's not rocket surgery. And it's not like Seven can't extend the episode if there's too much to fit into an hour, given they extend pretty much every other show on their schedule.

A splitscreen montage makes it look like Ross, Tarryn, Kym, Donna, Adam, and Dane are all on stage and auditioning at the same time. The only really entertaining part of the montage is when they put Dane's subtitled "Oh, what a wonderful surprise" on one side of the screen as Tarryn is busy dancing on the other. Heh. There's always an opportunity to mock the klutzy. All three of these teams get the clue, and it totally feels like even the editors have given up on trying to make this task look exciting.

The twins have overtaken The Captain and Chenille at some point, and are pulling up to the Pit Stop, where Sticky and Sam are busy convincing a security guard to let them through a locked gate. Probably not the right way to go if you have to basically trespass to get to the mat. Just a thought. As they get let through, Sam pats the security guard on the shoulder and tells him he loves him. And he didn't even have to buy him a drink! Both teams run through the complex to the traditional tense music, and it's Sticky and Sam who arrive first. The greeter this week is a drummer wearing some sort of fishtail on his hat, and Grant does his little bit where he checks them in as Team Number One and gives them a VIP trip to the Japan Grand Prix. Damn, that's an awesome prize. These days, the Americans are lucky if they win a trip outside of the Caribbean. And we're giving away a trip to one of the most expensive countries in the world? Okay, then. Next week: A trip to Kyrgyzstan!

Oh, and the twins are second.

Ross & Tarryn and the cousins have met up and decided to get to the Pit Stop by train. Random. Especially for a team from Melbourne, where the incompetence of the train company is second to none. They walk to the closest train station, only to realise that travelling from there would require switching trains. This compels them to instead opt for another tuktuk ride, although the cousins are still broke and can't afford one. Tarryn explains that they could have helped cover for the train fare, but didn't have enough money left to pay for two tuktuks, which basically means the cousins are up fuel brick creek.

Commercials. Angry Birds: Just like animal cruelty, only fun!

The cousins realise they're pretty much screwed either way but need to do something, which sure makes it mighty convenient when a couple of locals come up to them and offer to give them money. Of course, it costs them a "nice shirt" and "a hundred-and-fifty dollar pair of shoes". It eventually gets them enough money to cover the trip to the Pit Stop, but they begin to wonder whether they were allowed to sell their own belongings in order to get ahead. Long story short? No, but let's deal with the fallout a bit later.

The sisters prove themselves to be adequate dancers, then count on their experience as language teachers (...that one's actually relevant, but DRINK! anyway) to get them through the dialogue. Emilia confesses that she knows what Bollywood's like, and decides to go all out with the crocodile tears in order to impress the director. He passes them, and gets two big hugs in the middle of all the cheering and squealing.

Asshole 2.0 confessionals, "I wouldn't say I necessarily know how to dance. I'd rather term it as I just flex in rhythm to music." And after watching his attempt at the dancing, he's right. He doesn't know how to dance. Still, his boob shimmy is better than Slave Steve's, and that's enough to get the clue. Damn. I was looking forward to seeing Slave Steve completely fuck up the Hindi speech.

Over at the Pit Stop, The Captain and Chenille and Ross and Tarryn both end up running within sight of each other, and it's really only the former's large lead that helps them win third in a footrace. And it's a TIGHT footrace, with the greeter not even having the chance to open his mouth before the latter arrives, which will no doubt piss off those advertising people at Seven who will want to claim a not-at-all tight race to the Pit Stop as "the Closest! Finish! EVER!!11!1!!1!!!1!one!1!" in their commercials.

The cops are complaining in their confessional about how their job as cops (DRINK UNTIL YOU CAN'T DRINK NO MORE!) doesn't usually involve a Bollywood dance number. Nooooo! Their performance lays an egg with the director, which is not a shock given their strained positions they found themselves in.

Grace blows the dialogue away, and blows my eardrums when the director deems her attempt successful. While she falls flat on the ground, Joseph hugs the director so hard he has to take a few steps back. Heh. Off to the Pit Stop!

The sisters not only can't find the Pit Stop, they also can't find anyone who can tell them where the Pit Stop is. They confessional about their difficulty finding someone who didn't respond to their questions with a vacant gaze, before eventually being told that it's 35 kilometres away. So not a short walk then. Meanwhile, Joseph and Grace are in a bicycle pedicab, which is probably going to be even slower.

St. James and Botogs are done, the director getting yet another manhug from the lovely St. James. Botogs, of course, finds a reason to nitpick on their way out. This time, it's their seating arrangement in the back of their tuktuk. I'm not kidding. Does she not realise they both get a window seat?

The cops are in last again, and feeling the pressure of "being on the chopping block". They're still kind of abysmal all round, but the fake film crew has to strike the set at some point today, so they get the clue.

Omega are Team Number Five, and Kym and Donna are Team Number Sex (Uh, Six). The cousins reach the mat in seventh place, but are told they can't be checked in. Quelle surprise!

Commercials. Things that suck about realising you've written fifty recaps: Realising you have no social life and just doing this is probably the very reason you're so consistently single. Then again, it means I can lust after the hotter male contestants without feeling guilty, so it's not such a bad thing. (Also, have you seen the young Melbourne gays? There's basically two flavours: "Catty bitches who will cut you if you say anything bad about their Supreme Leader Gaga" and "Clones of the first group".)

Grant explains once again that he can't check the cousins in, but this time adds that it is indeed because they sold their clothes "in clear breach of the race conditions", and that they'll need to sit out the standard thirty-minute penalty before they can get checked in. As they go over to rest on a nearby patch of lawn for half an hour, Adam claims they had to do it otherwise they wouldn't have arrived at all. Like all the other teams sold their clothes to get to the Pit Stop? I'll grant there's been a lot less money given out this year ($110 for these first two legs) compared to last year ($250 for the same period), but everybody else seemed to get here fine on their own.

The sisters are still walking through the streets, but are at least smart enough to know they need some form of motorised transport to get them to the Pit Stop quickly, and find a tuktuk to take them.

The cops are the real Team Number Seven. Damn. The cousins still have twenty minutes of penalty left, but St. James, Botogs, Joseph, and Grace are all currently running through the grounds of the shrine. Joseph and Grace arrive as Team Number Eight (yay!) and St. James and Botogs as Team Number Nine (also yay, though less enthusiastically), so either the cousins or the sisters will be last. With only about three minutes left in their penalty, the tense drum beats kick in, and... the sisters arrive. Despite arriving last for the second leg in a row, they get checked in as Team Number Ten. Lucy tells Grant they were sure they were in last place, and it looks like they haven't realised the team waiting in the sin bin yet. Hey, ladies: When there's a team sunbaking next to the mat instead of getting sleep at the hotel, it's a bit of a clue. Emilia snarks on their lacklustre performance in a confessional, pointing out "That's like coming first for most teams!"

The cousins get called over, only to have Grant tell them "this is a predetermined elimination leg" and the tribe has spoken. Grant tells them they should be proud of their achievements, and Adam goes off on a tangent about how he doesn't have any regrets. It's about as interesting as it sounds. In their final confessional, Dane explains that they're "a proud indigenous team" who just wanted to "enjoy the moment". And now that moment is temporarily over, until they turn up at the finish mat with the rest of the other eliminated teams and we all spend half an hour trying to remember them.

Next week: Drag racing! Pot smashing! The non-word "prossibly"! For those watching the show in New South Wales and Queensland, the Closest! Finish! EVER!!11!1!!1!!!1!one!1!, which you will no doubt have found out is complete and utter bullshit by the time the episode eventually airs at the special time on Thursday night! For those watching everywhere else, Botogs snarking about Botox in the regular time slot, and no intelligence-insulting false promises about the not at all close finish!


  1. My God that was epic! You should see if TV Without Pity Wants them. Your eye for detail is great and you are a good writer.

    1. The format for the recaps is actually based on the earliest TAR recaps from TWoP.

  2. "(Also, have you seen the young Melbourne gays? There's basically two flavours: "Catty bitches who will cut you if you say anything bad about their Supreme Leader Gaga" and "Clones of the first group".)"

    You're looking in the wrong places, then. Everybody knows that Gaga isn't so much a singer as she is a speaker of inspirational messages disguised by shitty pop riffs.